Seven Heart Attacks In First Two Weeks For President Trump

Written by XRhonda Speaks

Friday, 3 February 2017

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At the rate of one heart attack every other day, President Trump is on track to beat President Reagan's record.

President Donald Trump may go in to the history books yet again, this time for having even more heart attacks than President Ronald Reagan: In office for just two weeks, the new president has already had seven heart attacks.

It's normal for presidents to have a few heart attacks while in office. The tremendous stress and awesome responsibility caused Barrack Obama, one of our healthiest recent presidents to have over thirty heart attacks in office, President Bill Clinton had almost a hundred heart attacks while he was president, most during his impeachment scandal--no wonder the presidency visibly ages them.

So where is Donald Trump on the presidential heart attack scale?

To find out, we talked to eighty-seven year old Sheri Mazel who has worked as a nurse for the White House medical staff since 1974. We met at the White House Med/Eval office where she told us about the history of presidential heart attacks at the White House.

"Well, before I got here, President Kennedy they say, he started the trend with six heart attacks during the Cuban missile crisis. Then Nixon during Watergate, he has 27 heart attacks."

"President Reagan for sure though tops the list for heart attacks: They wouldn't even let us keep count anymore after three hundred heart attacks, they were afraid it would alarm the public. But by then Reagan was already brain damaged from being revived so many times, Alzheimer's was just the story they told the press."

"Both president Bushes had only a dozen heart attacks, but Dick Cheney started the trend for Vice Presidents to have heart attacks with his six total while in office."

"President Clinton had ninety-eight heart attacks, and then President Obama, even though he was very healthy had thirty-three in his two terms."

So how does Mazel rate President Trump?

"President Trump could easily surpass Reagan's tally of heart attacks based on Trump's record so far of a heart attack every other day. But we really don't know how many heart attacks Reagan had because we weren't allowed to count anymore, and this administration has been so secretive putting gag orders on all departments, they just forgot the medical staff so far..."

At that point Two Trump security thugs burst in, tased Mazel and dragged her out of the room.

White House Propaganda Dispenser, Sean Spicer, then goosestepped in to the Med/Eval room and declared, "Interview over!"

Fortunately Spicer did not recognize this reporter from a previous altercation when I was working the White House press pool while pregnant, and this time I was able to leave the White House unmolested.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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