Obituary: United States of America, 240, died January 8, 2017, all at once on Capitol Hill, due to absolute shock

Written by Chris Dahl

Wednesday, 1 February 2017

image for Obituary: United States of America, 240, died January 8, 2017, all at once on Capitol Hill, due to absolute shock

The United States of America died of a massive cardiac arrest due what one doctor stated was "absolute shock" while Donald J. Trump was being sworn in as 45th POTUS. Cardiologist on the scene stated that the attack must have been building up for some time due to the massiveness of it. "The good news is that it was probably very quick," Dr. Brian Connolly confirmed. "There couldn't have been much suffering. All of that is yet to come."

The crowd of 250000 was left in stunned silence as a "huge" groan was heard bellowing from the National Archives building where seminal documents such as The Constitution and the Bill of Rights are held. "These documents are the 'heart 'of our country," Connolly stated at a post-inauguration press conference, "when Trump said those 35 words, 'I do solemnly swear that I will faithfully execute the office of President of the United States and will to the best of my ability, preserve, protect and defend the Constitution of the United States,' I guess that did it. The old Constitution and The Bill of Rights just couldn't take it. Stress can cause these things in older patients, and what? I mean the Constitution was pushing 230 years old. What do you expect, right? At least it was quick."

A group of lawyers, judges and even some well-intentioned citizens spent the afternoon trying to revive both documents, but all experts on the scene agreed that after the "shock" and subsequent malady of that afternoon, they would be, at best, what one called "vegetables," little more than shadows of their former selves.

When asked for comment, newly appointed POTUS, Donald trump, responded, "250,000? Are you kidding me, really? Are you kidding? I mean, look at this!" He then held up a picture and said that his inauguration was "double plus bigger" than anyone else's - ever - including Obama's 1.8 million attendance figures from his first term. Though his estimate seemed a bit inflated, pointing at the picture with his rather small hands did seem to inflate the size of the group.

James Madison, popularly known as the Father of The Constitution, commented: "A father is never supposed to outlive his kids. Was it shocking? Absolutely. Is it going to take a while to get over? Absolutely. But it was a good run. Dolly's taking it pretty badly. I haven't seen her this broken up over anything since the White House burned down."

"Don't ask me to start blubbering like a little girl," first president and Revolutionary War hero, George Washington said. "I wanted to be king. That was my idea. I think we have a shot now with this Trump fella."
"You say this like it's a bad thing," former German Chancellor Adolph Hitler offered (without invitation). "You know what I had to do to get right of that stupid constitution of mine. I had to burn down the Reichstag, bully all those Communists and Social Democrats into voting for The Enabling Act, that was my way around that damned Constitution- and those damned Social Democrats still didn't play ball. Ah well, it all worked out pretty well for a while, and then that damned war. FDR was such a bully. And those damned Allies ruined it for me, but I agree with Washington over there. With Bannon and Trump we have a shot at something really great, especially now that those two documents are gone - and all without a trace."

Announcing the incident, Sean Spicer commented that speculation that the demise of The Constitution was in any way related to the inception of the new president was unequivocally fake news and that there was no connection at all. In fact, Spicer added, "It seems that the document was weakened and softened by Liberalism and the 'soft' policies related to that faction. Basically, it's like a man who doesn't hit the gym every once in a while. The plaque builds up in the arteries and one day -boom -the old ticker explodes."

When it was later confirmed that the historical writings had indeed perished as a result of the shock of the Trump inauguration, Kellyanne Conway, speaking on behalf of the president stated that [Spicer] had not lied but had just presented "alternative facts," whatever those are. Whether the cause was "fake," real, "alternative" or authentic, the truth remains that the core of our American society has died and nothing has been put in its place.

Resquiat in pace, America. It was a good run.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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