Alternate Facts You Didn't Know About KellyAnne Conway!
Sure, everyone KNOWS what the "fake media" says about KellyAnne Elizabeth Conway, but how much do we REALLY know about her? This intrepid reporter decided to find out, and went slogging through public records, numerous internet news sites, and the back pages of the National Inquirer to scope out the true alternate facts about the mysterious White House press secretary.
- She is actually 24.
- She is 6'3" in heels.
- Her measurements are 38DD-24-36.
- She is Brazilian.
- She is a supermodel. (Watch out, Melania, you have competition!)
- She is actually a redhead.
- She is a complete vegetarian, and often enjoys her salads over a nice eight-ounce medium rare top-sirloin steak.
- In her spare time, she enjoys ballet, writing, poetry, death metal, nude scuba diving, yoga, drag racing, cooking, extreme sports, and macrame.
- She teaches violin, piano, electric kazoo, welding, aircraft maintenance, carpentry, and sewing.
- She holds Masters degrees in brain surgery, horticulture, and basket weaving.
- She is certified for demolitions, concealed carry, scuba diving, spy drone repair, commercial aircraft, and heavy equipment operation.
- She wakes up every morning to a lovely purple sky with pink polka-dotted clouds.
- She has a pet unicorn named Matilda, lovingly known as "Tilly."
- Her pure white kitten, Twinkle-fluff, has been on the front cover of "Beautiful Pussies" no less than eight times.
- Her stunning inaugural dress has been graciously donated for display at the Smithsonian Institute.
- She has won all of the Miss Universe pageants for the past nine years in a row. (Speculations that the contests were "rigged" were disproven by then-owner of the pageant, Donald Trump.)
- She has won TIME Magazine's "Woman of the Year" award eleven times. (She would have won it again this year in a landslide, but declined. "Let someone else have a chance," she was quoted as saying to a reporter.)
- Her pop single, "Can't Doubt This," has gone double platinum, and is currently at the top of the charts.
- She has climbed Mount Everest solo four times.
- At the age of 15, she won a Nobel Peace Award for her thought-provoking essay on global warming being caused by bovine flatulence.
- Her high-school graduation party was held at the Sydney Opera House in Sydney, New South Wales, Australia.
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- She is actually independently wealthy, and owns several islands in the Bahamas and Bermuda. Her net worth is approximately triple that of Donald Trump (although she doesn't brag about it like he does.)
- She likes to relax on her private yacht, sunbathing and sipping pina coladas, surrounded by virile muscular young men in speedos who wait on her hand and foot.
- She has posed nude in several European men's magazines. (Donald Trump has personally autographed copies of all of them.)
- Her recent photo expose in "Whips N Things Magazine" (the front cover shows her in shiny black thigh-high boots, a pleather bikini with the nipples cut out, and holding a bullwhip) is actually about her famous yogurt and whipped cream recipes.
- Her husband has a big ten-inch ... record player.
- When pressed about rumors of an evil twin sister that lived in the closet under the basement stairs, KellyAnne's reply was "no comment, no further questions."
All of the above alternate facts have been rigorously researched, and are absolutely 100% true and accurate. The story was delivered to me by a well-muscled Scot wearing a kilt and a Mohawk, playing ACDC's "Thunderstruck" on flaming bagpipes while riding a unicycle.