Thursday, Presidente Donaldo Juan Trump outlined bold initiatives to finance the construction of an impenetrable barrier to the southern border of the United States. In a joint venture with the Church & Dwight Company, the first stage of the wall will consist of the world's largest latex condom.
Stage two will be composed of the thirty-three billion discarded US plastic bags floating in the Pacific Ocean and the third stage will consist of compacted and redacted copies of El Presidente's last ten years' tax returns.
The final stage will be composed of conventional concrete, steel and recycled and sanitized bullshit imported from Trump Tower, Kellyanne Conway's limousine, and the White House.
Presidente Trump's Press Secretary, Sean Goebbels told the White House Press Corps, EL Presidente has now made good on his campaign promise that propelled him to the Bigly Executive Suite today, with only one modest change.
Who will pay for the wall? Not the government of Mexico (ha-ha gotcha), but privately enterprising Mexicans.
By the way, has anyone ever tried to put on a rubber with wet hands?
Back on point; after a protracted negotiation with the most successful pharmaceutical franchise in Mexico and their CEO, Sr. Joaquín Guzmán Salazar Loera, Presidente Trump has inked a ten-year deal to return all confiscated, illegally imported pharmaceuticals for fifty cents on the dollar, basis street value in Chicago.
Annual revenues for El Chapo Inc., GmB, LLC. are estimated at $3 billion, with approximately 50% of that gross income derived from US sales. Assuming no annual sales increases, which frankly never happens, translates into $15 billion over ten years, which should easily cover all construction and maintenance costs over that period, including reasonable handling fees and commissions to Drumpf International, a Panamanian-registered company.
The negotiations were quickly finalized when El Presidente announced the reintroduction of waterboarding and "black sites." As a bonus, El Presidente threw in a worn out portable basketball hoop.
"Also, as a demonstration of the best characteristic of American capitalism - competition - bids were also accepted from Beltran Leyva, Los Zetas, Caballeros Templarios (Knights Templars), the Gulf Consortium, The Arellano Felix Group and Jalisco New Generation. Unfortunately, before the additional competitive bids were finalized, apparently only the Jalisco New Generation had a "throw away" phone that was still functioning and the other bidders were no longer considered… alive. Consequently, a deal was finalized with Sr. Rubén Oseguera "El Mencho" Cervantes, to exchange confiscated chemotherapeuticals for sixty-five cents on the dollar, based on Marseilles street value, over a three-year period, with options for an additional three years. The DOD and Commerce Department pays all shipping expenses and the US will forego the conventional franchise fees, excise taxes, duties. and commissions. This contract should contribute an additional $2-20 billion over the term of the agreement."
"When pigs fly or by some imponderable circumstance where the global appetite for pharmaceuticals takes a precipitous drop, El Presidente is prepared to impose a 25% import duty on the Mexican "coyote" industry, as well as a special US tax on all employers utilizing dishwashers, roofers, yard keepers, bricklayers, nannies, housekeepers, busboys, and concrete road workers but exempting any employer south of (37.5) degrees north latitude. Thank-you all, but I will not be taking any questions today except those I prepared for FOX News, InfoWorld, and Breitbart," mumbled the Press Secretary as he briskly departed with three stooges in tow.
In my twenty-four years in journalism and the White House Press Corps, this reporter has never witnessed silence in the press pool. Another first of many more, I fear.