Written by Keith Shirey

Monday, 7 November 2016

image for Trump Is Physically Restrained From Tweeting By His Campaign

Donald Trump has been known for putting his unfiltered thoughts on Twitter at all hours. It is here that he excoriates people who have hurt his feelings. Over the years, he has issued a stream of cruel and unrestrained insults, savaging his rivals and others. He declared on Twitter that Kim Novak, a reclusive 81-year-old actress at the time, "should sue her plastic surgeon," sending her into hiding. He derided the appearance of Carly Fiorina, angering female voters, and he criticized the mother of a slain American soldier, musing that as a Muslim woman, she was not "allowed" to speak.

These fulminations were mostly in response to his wounded, childish pride. They run counter-productive to the goals of his campaign. That is why the campaign has taken away his Twitter account. If he is to tweet he now has to get permission from an adult.

Kellyanne Comway, campaign chief, on TV yesterday denied that this is true. "I wouldn't take away the ability of a grown man to tweet." But an unnamed source in the campaign says that Trump political operatives have come to realize that they are "dealing with an infantile personality with a badly crippled ego." "He isn't a grown man, he more like a middle school mean girl," said a high level campaign official who spoke on the grounds that his identity would not be revealed."

Psychoanalyst Lloyd Pearson of Pasadena CA told this reporter that tweeting to millions and receiving positive feedback from the tweets "feed his juvenile, bottomless need for attention. Taking away from his ability to tweet has probably thrown him into a deep depression that even his over-sized campaign rallies won't cure."

A Trump aide confirmed this saying that Mr. Trump isn't sleeping well and often reaches for his iPhone and Samsung to Tweet at 3:00AM, but is physically restrained by a big, burley campaign aid stationed in Trump's bedroom to stop him from more self-destructive tweeting.

"He tries to push away the huge campaign aid, but he can't do it because his hands are so small," said a top Trump aide.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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