Hillary Should Get Out Of The Campaign Now

Funny story written by Keith Shirey

Monday, 19 September 2016

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Clinton has struggled for the past eight years to convince voters that she is a regular person who can connect with them. "Her problems boil down to one thing and one thing only, and that is likability," said Peter Hart, a Democratic pollster.

An anonymous source in Person Engineering (all campaigns have them) in the campaign said, "Hillary won't listen. We tell her that when she broke down at that table of women in 2008, and it was recorded, her poll numbers skyrocketed. We say, 'just give us a few tears in 2016 Hillary,' but she just laughs at us.

"We in Person Engineering know that a specific person can be manufactured or made over to embody any set of personality characteristics."

"We've tested these with many focus groups and have ascertained that the public wants her to smile more, not be so serious about climate change and combating ISIS, act somewhat dumb, be funnier, bake cookies for the press on her airplane, bring her granddaughter out on the campaign trail, drink more beer, eat more fried candy bars and pig ears. . .that sort of thing," said the source.

"We tell her this and she just doubles up with laughter and then lets out that withering look of scorn."

He explained that in America everything is a branch of entertainment, including politics. "I told her the other day that Trump was much more entertaining that she should tell whoppers like Trump, and that she had to bring in some joke writers to help her with TV appearances. I said she needed to go on SNL, Conan, Colbert, Fallon, Kimmel, Semantha B, Seth Meyers, and Bill Maher and by jolly. She just gave me the finger."

"We Person Engineers lecture her that in the world of entertainment abstract ideas don't exist, to stay away from ideas in TV appearances, press conferences, and campaign events," said the person engineer. "People don't like reality and ideas sometimes relate to the real world."

He concluded, "We could mold her into a new person, and we suggest she could re-reintroduce herself as 'Your Hillary.' There wouldn't be anything left of the old person, or product, but she won't listen. That's why she will lose. She should get out of the campaign now."

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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