Donald Trump's Lincolnesque Moment

Funny story written by Matt Birkenhauer

Sunday, 23 October 2016

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The following is a transcript from Donald Trump's speech at Gettysburg, October 22, 2016.

Gettysburg, PA--Eleven score and seven gropes ago our fathers brought forth on this continent a new nation, conceived by libertines, and dedicated to the proposition that all women are equally cherished.

Now we are engaged in a great uncivil war, testing whether Crooked Hillary, or any other nasty woman, so conceived and so desiccated, can long endure. We are met on a great battlefield of that horrible war. We have come here to vindicate the false charges against me, to put to rest the lies by these nasty women who said that I groped them, that my campaign may not die. It is altogether fitting and proper that we address these whoppers.

But, in a larger sense, I can not mitigate, I can not conflate, I can not deflate these hollow lies. These craven women, living and ugly, who said I groped them, have desecrated it far above my poor power to add or retract. The world will little note, nor long remember, what these liars said here, but it can never forget what I said here. It is for me the living, rather, to be dedicated here to the unfinished work of suing the pants off of these nasty women. It is rather for me to be here dedicated to the great task remaining before me--that from these fame-hungry women I take every red cent they have for that cause for which they gave the last full measure of promotion--that I here highly resolve that these women shall have lied in vain--that this nation, under Me, shall have a new birth of freedom--and that government of the men, by the men, for the men, shall not perish from the earth.

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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