Crisis in the Clinton Campaign

Funny story written by Keith Shirey

Sunday, 28 August 2016

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As the Clinton campaign prepares to go to Portland, Oregon in 3 weeks it is in serious negotiations with the Oregon event organizers. A crisis has emerged over the mayonnaise brand that will be used in potato salad at the event.

It turns out that Hillary prefers Best Foods, though will settle for Hellman's. However, the campaign wants to go local and organic to please area democrats who go to farmer's market to buy prepared local mayonnaise from the stalls and booths.

CNN and MSNBC sensing a local news story of national and international import sent camera crews to Portland to interview the Portland event organizer. What they found was a crusty, outspoken Betsy Rostein who is county chairwoman and chief organizer for the Oregon event.

"When we shop for democratic club events we don't go to the condiment section at the local megamarket and throw either Best Foods or Hellman's in the shopping cart. Giant multinational Unilever makes both brands. We don't support multinationals in liberal Portland, we go local," explained Ms. Ross to the TV cameras.

"Hell, Hellman's and Best Foods mayo are identical. Put a blindfold on Hillary and she wouldn't know the damn difference," said Ms. Rostein.

This reporter could not get an interview with Clinton Campaign Chair, Niccolo Machiavellia, but an aide explained that giant Unilever perhaps was a contributor to the Democratic Party and, "Probably the national Clinton campaign people who went to Oregon to negotiate the matter didn't want to offend a campaign donor."

The matter was treated quite seriously on the Sunday news shows, "Toddy's Faceoff," "This Week With George Psoriasis," and "Das Homeland" hosted by Oliver North on Faux News.

As usual, the participants in the lengthy roundtable discussions, wearing serious expressions and furrowed brows, gravely discussed all sides of the issue. And, is always the case, Chuck Toddy repeatedly interrupted Bliss Read, a brilliant Black Female MSNBC contributor, as Toddy turned his back on her and often consulted Hewitt Hewitt, also a MSNBC contributor, who is an older white misogynist who hates Hillary Clinton.

Crowded out in the mayonnaise discussion were such unworthy, trivial topics as "Climate Change And The Eventual Extermination Of The Human Race," " Money In Politics Destroying Democracy," "Drone Attacks Creating Hatred Of The U.S.," "Stopping ISIS Genocide," "Rampant Gun Carnage in The U.S," "Torture in Black Sites Abroad," Excessive Drug Prices Causing People To Choose Between Paying Utility Bills Or Getting Medicine For Their Infants And Children," "GOP Rigging Of Elections," "The U.S.' Becoming A Third World Nation," "Shoddy Treatment Of Veterans Who Have Been Lied To About Being Heroes," and the like.

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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