Washington, DC -- Donald J. Trump was invited to his first intelligence briefing today with staff members of the Director of National Intelligence. As generals and staff spoke about national security concerns, sources close to the candidate stated that Trump watched the movie Animal House on his iPhone during the briefing, took a brief nap, and failed to understand why Ukraine is not just a part of "greater Russia".
Trump left Trump Tower today to attend the briefing. Along the way, he spotted a disheveled NJ Governor Chris Christie right near the tower on the NYC streets and invited him on the helicopter ride to Washington, DC. Christie immediately said yes.
Once at the Pentagon, the two politicians met with nervous and snickering high ranking officials, according to sources. At first, the two were given a 50 question multiple choice Q&A on various U.S. interests so that the generals could understand their sophistication levels. Christie reportedly located an answer key and scored a 42 out of possible 50. Trump scored a lower 8 out of 50, although Trump expressed surprised satisfaction with their combined score of 50 out of 50.
Once the highly classified lectures began, Trump reportedly whispered, "This is your hunt, Chrissy," before sitting back to watch a movie on his iPhone, pulling out a bag of heavily salted buttered popcorn from his briefcase.
As Trump laughed through the movie, hoping the generals would not notice, he remarked to Christie that he and John Belushi have a lot in common. "It's the Oreos Chrissy, the Oreos. He's looking better than you in that toga though, believe me!"
After the movie was over, Trump watched his two favorite episodes of Law and Order.
Anonymous sources speculated that the generals purposely gave Trump false information with hopes that it would be leaked to Paul Manafort, who is going back to his second home in "West Russia", and then make its way directly to Vladimir Putin. During the meeting, Trump had used the words "West Russia" interchangeably with "Ukraine".
Meanwhile, Hillary Clinton skipped her intelligence briefing altogether, stating on Twitter that she has practically "written the book" on U.S. foreign policy. Sources state that the generals read the tweet aloud to Trump and they all agreed.
New Trump Campaign CEO Steve Bannon tweeted: "Crooked Hillary a no show, no attention to detail, not smart, doesn't know much, perjurer, conspiring to do something unlawful for sure."
Bannon recently replaced Manafort, who recently replaced Corey Lewandowski, all in order to let "Trump be Trump."