Russians Hack Medical Records: Both Trump And Clinton Unfit For Office

Funny story written by XRhonda Speaks

Tuesday, 23 August 2016

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Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton are both suffering from a slew of medical conditions.

Donald Trump's challenge to Russian hackers to find the dirt on Hillary Clinton has backfired as Wikileaks released hacked medical records damaging to both Clinton and Trump.

The revelations that neither candidate is physically fit to run a lemonade stand are a blow to the American public already struggling with having to choose between the lesser of two weasels.

A Russian going by LucceT-3.141 has claimed the hack. LucceT, as most media are calling the hacker, seems to have state sponsorship or at least protection within Russia.

The hack and release of Trump's medical history also seems to be a warning to Trump not to anger Vladimir Putin, who has been favoring Trump up to this point. The rumors are that Putin will release Trump's tax returns if Trump displeases the Russian oligarch.

The Trump Files

Trump has a long list of health concerns including high blood pressure, gingervitis, hemorrhoids, and at fourteen years old he suffered from lordosis and wore a back brace for two years. Interestingly, Trump's lordosis cleared up at the age of sixteen when he started buying fancy cars.

But the most serious and disturbing health issues Trump faces are:

Herpes Cephalitis: A virus that attacks the scalp, and eventually the brain leading to seizures and death.

Bussitis Gibsonii: A recently identified form of Turret's syndrome, named after actors Gary Bussey and Mel Gibson. Caused by a lack of impulse control, often seen in strokes and head injuries, possible link to Herpes Cephalitis.

Worms: Donald Trump is carrying several types of intestinal parasites and worms in his body, this may explain his popularity on fishing trips.

The Clinton Files

Hillary Clinton fared no better and had over a dozen dangerous health concerns, here are her most serious:

Secretary Spread: Seen in sedentary office workers, the ass just keeps getting wider and wider. Attributed to Clinton's time as Secretary of State.

Low Body Temperature: Often the sign of a cold heart.

Demonic Possession: While technically not a medical condition it's bad regardless. Ted Cruz famously tried to exorcise Clinton in their only debate ever.

Blogoshphere And Reporters Says No Hack Occurred

Sanjay Gupta, bloggers, and journalists with a sack, have all pointed out that the supposed Russian hack appears to be copied almost word for word from an episode of Dr. Drew where he diagnosed the candidates.

CNN has said it will investigate the plagiarism charges against the hacker LucceT in time for the general election, but for now needs to milk every nickel out of the health story that it can.

Gupta, a neurosurgeon, had this to say about TV doctors:

"There's something fishy about a TV doctor who diagnoses people just from seeing them on TV. Remember how Dr. Drew said Charlie Sheen was psychotic and should be hospitalized? We all know now that Sheen was just an asshole on cocaine. So I think we should all dismiss this kind of 'medical theater.'"

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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