New York City, NY - With Ryan Lochte losing his Speedo sponsorship amidst an international Olympic scandal, Donald J. Trump has been selected as Speedo's newest spokesperson. As part of the lucrative contract, Trump has agreed to wear a Speedo underneath his business suit at each public event, with a special bonus if he wears one on Inaugeration Day.
Trump announced the sponsorship by Twitter after hosting a party recently at a Mexican resort: "Just landed Speedo, big day, wearing them now, so soft against the skin, will keep me dry in ALL situations, now I can win BIG in November."
An inebriated Lochte attended the party near Cancun.
Sources confirm that the sponsorship is valued at seven figures, to be paid over a four-year presidential term. Trump will be required to read a 30-second spot at all public events, and if elected, in the middle of each State of the Union Address.
Trump tried on his first Speedo, a "Rainbow Wings Printed Brief", carefully selected by the company, during his recent photo op near Baton Rouge. The area was experiencing severe flooding. Trump wore the rainbow colored Speedo under his clothes, and to demonstrate his preparedness, courage and passion, swam with just his Speedo in the flooded parish streets, facing possible alligator attacks.
During the swim, Trump yelled that Chris Christie tries on every pair worn by Trump to help stretch them out. "Chrissy will do anything I ask, so why not have him break in my Speedos?" quipped Trump.
Meanwhile five life-sized naked statues of Trump appeared in cities across the country, and pictures that appeared on Internet prove that Trump's testicles were missing. Several local Parks and Rec have confiscated the statues and are storing them temporarily for quick public sale. As part of the Speedo deal, Speedo will pay the highest bid to ensure purchase of the confiscated statues, and put different colored Speedos on them. Speedo will then gift the statues to the Trump campaign.
For a $250 campaign donation, a participant--male or female--can swim with the "shark", which will actually be a naked plastic wrapped statue of Trump. Speedos are not required.
For a $25 admission fee, the campaign also plans to place a Trump statue wearing a Speedo in the center of a stadium and play Trump's stump speech repeatedly over a loud speaker. Individuals will be permitted to line up for photographs with the nearly naked statue, with extra donations required if you "sneak a peek" ($12.50) and even more if you "touch and grab" ($62.99), both of which are, apparently, encouraged.
It was rumored that Hillary Clinton also was offered a Speedo contract, but she graciously refused, offering up her husband Bill instead. By Twitter she stated: "Bill looks better in a Speedo but nice to see that Grump put his real 'man parts' at risk. Thanks NYC Parks and Rec, you said it best, this should be about elections, not little Trump erections."