WASHINTON - On Tuesday the FBI released to Congress notes about its three-hour interview with former Secretary of State Hillary Clinton and the investigation into her private, homebrew email server. Although the notes were supposed to be classified as secret, an FBI insider, close to the investigation, leaked some of the more relevant details.
The undisclosed FBI source said: "It was such a pleasure having our little chat with Mrs. Clinton." "Especially since it was scheduled on a Saturday." "Normally, we'd just be wasting time at home with our own love ones and families." He further added:"We didn't spend much time talking about that stupid email thing, rather all of us FBI agents were enthralled by her anecdotes about her husband's golf game, tender stories about her grandkids, and all those yoga classes she had been taking." "She did admit she had gained a few extra pounds in the caboose and was glad she had found yoga pants with lots of extra elastic and reinforced seams."
When asked whether the FBI's investigation had been influenced by U.S. Attorney Loretta Lynch or her secret meeting with Bill Clinton in Phoenix on June 27, the Monday before the interview, the FBI source quickly replied:"Well maybe a little." "After hearing about what a wonderful conversation they had about Bill's golf game and grand children, we at the FBI just couldn't wait to hear all about it from Mrs. Clinton first hand." "There was a lineup of top FBI agents drooling at the chance to go along."
He also revealed: "We at the FBI like to make our little chats more user friendly these days." "That water board torture thing wasn't too popular during the previous administration." "And, don't forget Waco, where we and our 'buds' over at the ATF burned those gun-loving, Bible-clinging Christians and their families alive." "We like to think of ourselves as the 'Kinder Gentler' FBI." "We sent all those FBI meanies over to the IRS where they could really do some good - like getting those conservative, non-profit organizations which are public enemy number one."
When asked why Mrs. Clinton's interview wasn't taken under oath or recorded, the FBI source said: "Simple, to save time and not waste any tax payer's money." "We asked her to submit her own reasons why she wanted the email server beforehand."
Shown below is a summary of what the FBI released to Congress on Tuesday.
Top 10 Reasons why Hillary wanted her own email server.
10. Top Security: The server was installed in Bill's home-office, nothing gets in or comes out there without her knowing about it first!
9. Versatility: It would give Bill something to play with, other than his wily, while she was out saving the world.
8. Frugality: She knew the Obama administration would be incurring a 21 trillion dollar national debt. Saving the federal government the cost of hosting her mail would help the "little guy", U.S. taxpayers.
7. Equal Opportunity: Instead of e-mail, Hillary wanted she-mail.
6. Secrecy: No one would be smart enough to notice that her email address was not on a federal server (clintonemail.com), including the President of the United States.
5. Convenience: Hillary having her own email address is much, much, much, much more important than anything trivial like National Security.
4. Senior Citizen: She didn't want to use "Gmail" for her personal email. She thought it stood for "granny-mail".
3. Conflict of Interest: She didn't want to give the "false impression" that thank you notes sent to Clinton Foundation million dollar contributors in countries like Russia, China, Kuwait, Qatar and Saudi Arabia where from the U.S. Secretary of State.
2. Discovery: If anyone did question her motives and wanted to indict for wrong doing, compared to Whitewater, Travelgate, Filegate, Vince Foster's death, and presidential impeachment it would be small potatoes and even easier to fix.
1. Sleeping Aid: The whirring sound of the server's disk dive deleting potentially incriminating emails helps her sleep better at night.