Expressing Regrets, Trump Hosts Party in Mexico

Funny story written by Mike Peril

Saturday, 20 August 2016

image for Expressing Regrets, Trump Hosts Party in Mexico
Revelers wore t-shirts with the phrase "gringo putos".

Playa del Carmen, Mexico -- Donald J. Trump visited Mexico today in his recent quest to express regrets over his comments about Mexicans. Trump has consistently applied the term "rapists" to Mexicans who cross the border illegally into the United States. In a post-Manafort pivot, where Trump is now Trump, Trump expressed his regrets by going directly to the Mexican people in their homeland.

Trump visited Cancun, Mexico, a resort town, to give his message. He arrived by helicopter with a tired and worn looking Chris Christie, the NJ governor whose continued absence in his state means he is no longer eligible to vote for President since he fails to meet the state's residency requirements. The pair came straight from a Washington, DC intelligence briefing.

While at a resort near Cancun, Trump announced to the all white crowd of American tourists his regrets about statements he made about Mexicans. Relying on a teleprompter, Trump stated, "Let me just say, I express regrets that I called you all rapists, it's not true, you know, well it is somewhat true, and drugs too, but let me just say I regret that you have such problems here."

Trump then carried on with his stump speech about the need for a wall that borders the two countries that Mexico will pay for, and finished with "Su casa es mi casa!"

A number of Mexicans, all paid staff of the resort, listened as they served drinks to the tourists. Some recorded the speech on their iPhones.

Going off script, Trump added, "I need to say this though, Mexicans are great people and I do regret saying all that stuff I said and causing personal pain, although it helped me speak to my base and win, but now I am not able to expand from that, which pains me greatly and I regret that."

At the end of the announcement, Trump called for drinks "on him" and a dance party ensued. Revelers wore sombreros and fake mustaches, distributed by the Trump campaign, and everyone received a name tag that said "!Hola! My name is Hay-sus."

At one point Christie fell asleep in a hammock just before someone broke out a piñata. Trump was blindfolded and given a large paddle to hit the piñata. Unfortunately, the blindfolded Trump smacked Christie on the buttocks, twice, and Christie woke up with a big yelp. Trump stated to the wounded Christie, "Is that you Chrissy? if you are going to sleep, get on that helicopter and get back to NJ, otherwise join the party."

Olympic swimmer Ryan Lochte, and three other swimmers, had arrived straight from Rio to the resort and partied throughout the night playing air guitar, peeing in the pool and behind a local gas station, and using their hands to simulate mock pistols to their heads. At one point Christie and the four drunken swimmers sang and performed a Mexican hat dance to a Spanish version of Springsteen's "Born to Run."

As the Mexican staff cleaned up, Trump remarked that "There is no place for blatant racism in America. Mexicans are hard workers, they do great work for me by the way, really great cleaning crew throughout the entire Trump organization."

The party ended with a chant, "Build that wall, build that wall."

The resort reported that Trump's staff left without paying the liquor bill.

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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