Hillary's Latest Trash-Talk! Clinton Equates "Feel the Bern" with Gonorrhea

Funny story written by Chrissy Benson

Wednesday, 4 May 2016

image for Hillary's Latest Trash-Talk! Clinton Equates "Feel the Bern" with Gonorrhea
Sanders suggested that given her husband's sexual history, Hillary herself ought to get an STD test.

Having had little success calling into question her chief political rival's personal integrity or agenda in light of her own checkered political past, Democratic presidential contender Hillary Clinton recently resorted to some good, old-fashioned trash-talk - equating the popular Bernie Sanders campaign slogan "Feel the Bern" with...gonorrhea.

That's right - gonnorhea! As in the STD.

Clinton pointed out that the phrase "feel the burn" (tweaked by Sanders supporters to "Feel the Bern") originated during World War II, with soldiers noting one of the first symptoms of gonorrhea, syphilis, and other sexually transmitted diseases: a painful burning sensation while urinating.

"It was not a good sign when someone 'felt the burn,'" Clinton noted wryly. "In fact, it was a very, very bad sign!"

Clinton went on to quip, "I'm committed to the reproductive health of both women and men. And for all our sakes, I'm going to do what I can to make sure that none of us 'feel the Bern.'"

She added with a smile, "And public service announcement: If you do 'feel the Bern" - get an STD test!"

While Clinton's latest trash-talk strategy came as little surprise to many Bernie fans, who criticized Clinton's transparent attempt to divert focus from substantive issues like income inequality, campaign finance reform, and climate change, others say that Clinton has plumbed new depths with her STD insults.

"Clinton does not operate on a high moral plane, to say the least." said Bernie supporter Kevin Freeman. "Hillary's constantly heading in one direction - downhill. 'Down-Hill,' as we like to put it."

Clinton's Bernie insults didn't end with STDs, though; the former Secretary of State also sought to cast doubt on the 74-year-old senator's vitality, suggesting that Sanders is too old to be an effective president.

"Sanders is a tired old man," Clinton contended. "In other words, Bernie's just 'Berned out!'"

Bernie Sanders himself took Clinton's jabs in stride - although he did express some frustration with Clinton's lowbrow campaign tactics.

"I have more energy and vitality than Clinton and her husband combined," he asserted. "I'm not old. But I am very much 'over the Hill' - as in Hillary."

Sanders added, "And given her husband's sexual record, I'd suggest that it's actually Mrs. Clinton who ought to be getting an STD test. Enough said."

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

Do you dream of being a comedy news writer? Click here to be a writer!

Comedy spoof news topics
Go to top
readers are online right now!
Globey, The Spoof's mascot

We use cookies to give you the best experience, this includes cookies from third party websites and advertisers.

Continue ? Find out more