Written by Brian Ackley

Thursday, 10 December 2015

Atlantic City, NJ - Republican nominee front-runner, Donald Trump, has recently made swift moves to distance him from other hopeful nominees. Campaign Manager, Corey Lewandowski, announced this morning that the Trump Campaign will no longer use language in a considerate manner, or communicate ideas in a way that could be interpreted as thoughtful.

The announcement was made while interrupting a breakfast benefit for people suffering from Arthrogryposis, or congenital joint disease. Neither Trump nor Lewandowski were invited to the fundraiser, but that didn't prevent them from commandeering a microphone.

Trump appeared confused following Lewandowski's full statement, asking, "Why aren't they clapping?"

The news is not surprising according to political analyst Ron Faucheux, who believes there's a new trend in political affairs, which is to get to the point. "So much of traditional politics has to do with talking around the issue, what Congress calls Beating Around the Reagan. This is why presidential campaigns begin so early and why speeches last so long. Ninety percent of what is said is hogwash."

Lewandowski admits that the previous system of campaigning has its benefits. "There's a lot of opportunity to say things you don't mean, to slip mistruths into the national conversation, and to say more than the public can keep track of. It causes much confusion and exhaustion which discourages and disempowers the average citizen."

"But," he goes on unprompted, "Everyone's doing it now - liberals and conservatives. It's time to step out of this tradition of long-winded overstatements."

The policy changes outlined in their impromptu address included more than endorsing hostile and offensive language and ideas. Trump explained that behavior and facial expression would no longer be masked in cordial fare, either. Pleasantness, in any manner, especially manners, will no longer be a projection of their intentions. Campaign staff will cease from wiping their mouths with napkins during or after a meal; they'll not shake hands as a formal greeting; they'll not redirect any mail that was misdelivered to them. They will return a "Good Bless You" if you sneeze within earshot, but it will be loud and sarcastic, intended as a slight to any nearby secularists.

When asked to leave, Trump took the gesture as a question about his strategy. "What's wrong with being a racist? Some of my best friends are bigots." When escorted to the door by security, he thanked them with a ten-dollar tip each and encouraged them not to go back to college.

With December being a busy time for holiday parties, Trump is expected to crash at least a few town square festivities, perhaps severing the line to see Santa to be able to warn children that, "Santa's not real. He used to be before Muslims killed him. Now all Muslims hide in Santa costumes. Check his ID."

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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