Written by Xavier Fairbanks

Saturday, 17 October 2015

image for Bumper Stickers Annonymous
Image supplied by local law enforcement from a recent traffic stop.

You're driving down the road and suddenly you find yourself behind a vehicle covered completely in bumper stickers. What do you do?

This is exactly the question local officials are asking in the latest crackdown for road safety.

" Many people don't realize just how dangerous this issue is for themselves and other drivers", reports Police Chief Simelnecki.

"Just last year we had at least 60,000 fatal crashes due to the over usage of bumper stickers. And that's just our state alone."

The state Police initiative has even drawn support from the local PETA office .

"Do they even think of the wildlife? Just imagine you're a deer with ADHD and all of a sudden a bright shiny car comes down the road. As if that's not bad enough, you're faced with hundreds of bumper stickers. You run towards the object hoping to catch a closer look and suddenly you're airborne and there's an antenna in your butt!" Says Jean Lockwood of PETA. It's a real epidemic!"

Local law enforcement officials have responded to this problem by implementing a strategic plan to ensure the safety of the community. Bumper Stickers Anonymous, a non profit 5013-C set up by the government, will work to ensure that those who are most stricken by the disorder will receive the much needed help they need for years to come.

Kathy Reinhardt, former head of the Coalition for Safe Street Line Painting, has been appointed Chief Psychologist for the new center. She will serve in her position until the end of the year when a local ballot will determine who will be her successor.

"I am excited to take part in this much needed initiative", Reinhardt said in an exclusive interview.

"Very few members of our community understand the complications around this issue. In fact, the over-stimulation and posting of bumper stickers can be a great sign of a hoarding disorder, or even severe ADHD. It can be a real distraction for the vehicle operator and even other unsuspecting motorists who are caught off guard, compromising their safety. Not to mention the environmental complications that arise from this type of disorder, or those who are unaware that they themselves have this disorder."

As the local government begins to set up their new facility, they encourage all members of the community to "Stop and Think before you Ink". The center is slated to open within the next 30 days and will be located directly next to the DMV on 8th Avenue. Until then, any motorist with questions, or those in need of help now may call the special hotline, 1800-bumpmysticker, or visit their online center at www.bumpmysticker.gov .

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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