Rush Vs Ted Cruz: "Crypto-Mexican-Scientologist-Pan-Cuban-Mexichurian-Candidate"

Funny story written by TM_Dealer

Wednesday, 17 June 2015


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Rush Limbaugh has turned over a new leaf and has started criticizing Republican candidates.

Hey, that's a good thing, right?

Well... maybe. Depends on how you look at it.

After all, "Truth is what works," as one famous American famously said.

Recently, on his viral (or at least highly virulent) radio show, "Rush the Magic White Boy," sinister allegations started circulating about Ted Cruz...

Or if you prefer, allegations started circulating about the sinister Ted Cruz.

Well, that's just semantics, right?

Oof! I'm sorry, but I'm really struggling to get to the point today. Must be all those socialist-free-health-care-barbiturates that I kinda think I'm actually not currently technically taking, as such...

Whoops! Anyway, here's a transcript. Don't say I'm not good... um, "benevolent" to you.

Look, everyone's talking about this guy, this hot-ass chico-wonder, Ted Cruz. But you ever wonder who he actually is?

(Shit, that one's getting really old, isn't it?)

Still, look up his back story on Conservapedia.

Or hell, if you're some kinda freaky, ignorant, moonbat Cultural Marxist, try that stupid wiki by that crypto-socialist who wants to maliciously corner the market in free internet encyclopedias by completely inventing the free encyclopedia genre...

Thus using his pussy non-crony-capitalist "Wikipedia" to drive his competitors in the previously un-invented free encyclopedia market out of business.

Confused yet? Well, you should be.

Well, let me tell you something: this Ted Cruz guy, he's not all he seems.

Now, it's not often I speak like this, so you'd better listen up.

The entire future of you, your children, your parents, your perfectly heterosexual lifelong monogamously-committed spouse, the entire future of America and even of the whole entire civilized world (insofar as there's a difference) depends on this.

You may think I'm shooting the breeze here.

Well, I swear I'm not.

I mean, here at Fox, we're not exactly MSNBC, are we?

Anyway, I just found out ten minutes ago that Ted Cruz has been planted by the Crypto-Mexican-Sunni-Scientologist-Fair-Trade-Gluten-Free-Socialist-Television-Handicrafts-Labour-Union-Militia-of-Cuba, in order to single-handedly destroy our way of life and endlessly enslave us to an eternally barbaric, vicious, freedom-hating of...

Ah, what they hey.

Now, I know you're gonna tell me ('cos I always know precisely what you're thinking):

"C'mon, Rush. Come off it, dude. It's not like that. He's a regular guy, like you or me; more or less. I mean, he's practically a straight-vanilla standard-issue White-Anglo-Saxon-Philistine like all the people who have made Our Glorious Nation and Eternal Global Village what it is today!"

Well, look. Listen, my good friends. I'm not gonna bandy words about. I'm a pretty tolerant guy.

Yup! Well yeah, I can pretty much "jive with" (ha!) hardcore Pentecostals, fundamentalist Methodists, and even the hard-core YEC fringe of the Episcopalians, at a push!

(Well OK, maybe not even those guys!)

But yeah, I mean, primitive Quakers, primitive Baptists, Southern Baptists (of course!) and...

And yes, don't shoot me for this one (some hope, given Obama's socialist gun control)...

But yes, even the odd Catholic or two!

Well, especially the rebellious cougars who have that, you know, incredible MILF-ish Madonna-Whore aura to them...

Wowee! Well! You know what? We've come a long way in America, we're practically a post-bigotry society, when people can say open-minded shit like this on the radio!

Oh and by the way, I have Mormon friends.

Well, I once had one Mormon friend, and I used to compliment him a lot in front of my other real friends. And by the way, you know, every one of you are my number one best friend.

But then I found out this guy was, you know, just plain stupid, and couldn't succeed in a really big project he was plugging.

Well yeah, turns out a lot of people didn't like him, and preferred some stupid socialist pacifist jihadist Muslim atheist from East Nairobi, Malaysia.

And I'm not gonna tell you who, because I don't want people just assuming I'm spreading unfounded innuendo and cynical, speculative smears.

I mean, I've been in this business for decades, and I don't want people to start being wiseacres all of a sudden and making insinuations about me.

But anyway, yeah, I can't stand unsuccessful people who don't make their mark on our world and achieve anything significant; I think they're a drain on the social and cultural vitality of our nation

And worse still, the existence of these guys just doesn't make any economic sense whatsoever!

And that's precisely why I'm here on Fox News, telling you about them. I could've been anyone! But I'm right here, right now, telling you what's what.

Anyway... this Ted Cruz guy, apparently his parents got kicked out of Cuba.

So. You're seriously telling me someone from such a godless, unlawful family should be running our free and democratic nation?

You got some skeletons in your closet, Ted? Hm? Something you're not telling us, by any chance?

Well, you know what?

That's right, I was at a conference about the glorious future of a renewed and free America, and I overheard someone who said they overheard someone talking about how they overheard some random guy say:

"The Cruz family was so extreme, such raving socialist agitators, even Castro got sick of them. I mean, if you're more extreme than that stupid foreign Mexican Chairman Castro, you know you've got problems!"

Now listen, I'm not gonna comment on that.

Yeah, you know, I can't actually endorse this stuff, because look, I'm only here to bring you the evidence and let you draw your own conclusions.

I mean, if we do it that way, well you know, that's real science, and real democracy. You know, not all that fake-ass Darwinian crap.

But yeah, you know what? Don't listen to the Dems telling you about the "little guy," they're pathologically dishonest and quite frankly, probably deluded.

Nope. You wanna know about the little guy? I know what he thinks. I think about him, I emphathize with him.

Hell, I even sympathize with that little jerk from time to time, in moments of entirely excusable, um, inexcusable human weakness.

But look: if you wanna know who is the little guy, I'll tell you who it is.

It's Mr Science.

It's Mr Democracy.

And that's me.

Right, Hannity?

At this, Hannity responded:

"Ha... you know, Rush, you're such a frickin' asshole. "Mr Science, Mr Democracy?" You just quoted Chen Duxiu, the early 20th century Chinese SOCIALIST. Now who's the "Manchurian Candidate?""

After this brief exchange, I found Rush and Hannity were unavailable for comment, and probably would be for several days, until (as Glenn Beck told me):

"Obama's socialist health care system finally got around to treating them.

This was certainly a great shame. I'm not used to being deprived of some incisive soundbites from these guys.

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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