As Donald Trump's presidential campaign continues to maintain its momentum, against all the laws of logic, an interview he gave to sultan of spin Sean Hannity has been pulled from schedules for fear of damaging his bid.
The one on one, due to be broadcast during prime time on Fox News next Saturday night, reveals the inner workings of 'The Donald's' mind.
His startling comments were considered too shocking even for Fox News and after a lengthy conversation with Fox News boss Roger Ailes, Trump agreed that the interview should never see the light of day as it may damage his chances.
Well, we've managed to obtain a transcript of the interview from a soon to be unemployed Fox minion.
In the transcript Trump reveals he's considering a makeover in an attempt to appeal to, "the minorities." He claims he's already got the "stupid, old, right wing vote," sown up by behaving like a stupid old right winger.
He says he'll ditch his birds nest hairdo and ask Oprah Winfrey if he can borrow her hair as a way of appealing to, "the black female vote."
He also claims his most recent celebrity backer, former basketball star Dennis Rodman, has been giving him lessons in jive talking to ensure he can appeal to "black dudes."
Trump said, "The blacks love me. These ingenious moves should guarantee I win the black vote. I may even do a reverse Michael Jackson and turn a bit black."
Furthermore, Trump is also considering getting a new nose, or as he puts it, "a good Jewish nose, like Jerry Springer's got." He reckons this will shore up the Jewish vote.
Continuing to dig his own grave he went on to say he will be growing an oversized moustache, "right from the Geraldo Rivera playbook," to win over any Hispanic voters who may still be wavering in the face of Trumps controversial comments about illegal Mexican immigrants being "rapists and murderers."
After pausing to pat himself on the back, he suddenly remembered he'd forgotten about the gay and lesbian vote. He told Hannity, "I'm currently working on a camp style walk, a bit like Liberace's. I'm something of a male gay icon anyway," said a deluded Trump. "The male gays love me. Not sure about the lesbians. There's not enough of them to warrant a change. They'll probably all vote for Hilary Clinton anyway. Screw them. Not literally of course."
Hannity, gazing into Trumps eyes, then managed to ask a tough question. "Isn't this all a bit, well, superficial?"
Trump replied, "Yes, it is, but that's what the American people want, isn't it? I'm going to try to appeal to as many people as possible without doing anything meaningful. That's how you win the presidency. Not with silly inconsequential things like policies. Whatever they are. I haven't just thrown this campaign together. I've spent literally minutes consulting myself on the best course to take."
Trump, a former Democrat, went on to say if all these clever moves don't work he'll stop being a Republican and switch back to being a Democrat.
We attempted to speak to Mr Trump about the Hannity interview but he denied it ever happened. He also remarked it was ridiculous to expect anyone to believe he would change anything about himself because he's so utterly brilliant in every way.