(New York) FOX News President Roger Ailes, in association with the New York State Athletic Commission President Tom Hoover and the Ohio Athletic Commission Chairman Tim Ochsenhirt, this morning outlined the protocol and procedures that have been adopted for the 1st nationally televised Republican Presidential Debate to be held in Cleveland Ohio on August 6th 2015.
Ailes told all three reporters present, "It has been mutually agreed to by all parties that highly regarded boxing referee, Mills Lane will serve as chief moderator and no three knockdown rule shall be in effect. Hitting or kicking below the belt is perfectly acceptable… and encouraged. If circumstances change and by some anomaly Carly Fiorina makes the cut, contestants must refrain from all direct physical contact but spitting, demeaning, ridiculing and barfing is permitted. Tap outs will be permissible, but any candidate surrendering or crying must leave the podium immediately. Dr. Ferdie Pacheco and Dr. Phil will be available backstage to render aid, when necessary."
"Also, partitions shall be erected between each candidate to minimize donnybrooks. In the case of Governor Christie, his partition will be constructed of reinforced concrete, should he defy the odds and make it to the dais."
"FOX recognizes in previous debates, candidates have not generally complied with the rule limiting when they can make statements or rebuttals, so we mandated all participants wear a remotely controlled ankle bracelet that can administer a shock not to exceed 5,000 volts as a gentle reminder to shut the fuck up already." Ailes told this reporter, "Arriving at consensus for this proviso was problematic until "The Donald" entered the competition. Trump finally accepted it as well, but we had to pay him a 3.25% royalty, allow (2) free commercials for one of his branded product lines, 25% of the Pay-Per-View gross receipts, the international distribution rights and 6% of the net receipts for replays and reruns exceeding two minutes in length.
FOX has also decided in the interest of safety, the podium will be shielded from the audience by a twenty foot high, clear bullet and bomb proof screen. As a public service, FOX will donate all lettuce, tomatoes and other fruits or vegetables to a local Cleveland food bank. Also, to maintain decorum and avoid adversarial verbal exchanges between the combatants and the audience; no Hispanics, veterans, P.O.W.'s, mothers of any candidate, Marla Maples, anyone reasonably fluent in a Middle Eastern dialect, anyone with a disability, current litigants against Mr. Trump, dim sum lovers. NBC Chairman Ted Harbert or Vladimir Putin will be allowed into the arena.
Ailes added, "As one final concession, participants have accepted a rule that once the word "Obamacare" has been mentioned for the 10,000th time, no one else is permitted to utter it again, under penalty of our gentle reminder apparatus for a duration not to exceed ten seconds. There are no limits on the words, "Benghazi" or "deleted emails," but the use of the word "Kenya" shall be considered an official "tap-out" and the participant must promptly depart the stage. No tags-ins will be permitted either.
Finally, FOX has established that should Mr. Trump at any time, express anything that could remotely be construed by one in a coma as an apology, he will immediately be declared the official winner of the debate. As in any political forum; denials, prevarications or retractions do not count.
