WASHINGTON, D.C.--In what Dr. Amir Sudhardi, the colorectal surgeon who performed the operation, is calling one of the world's first crucilectomies, the GOP today had a huge crucifix removed from its rectum. The cross, which had been hobbling the Republican Party in the last several presidential elections, was declared by Dr. Sudhardi not to be malignant, though its presence in the GOP presidential candidates caused many of them to speak out of their ass on numerous occasions.
Furthermore, at least seven of the sixteen Republican candidates running for president in 2016, including John Kasich, Scott Walker, Bobby Jindal, Rick Perry, Mike Huckabee, Rick Sanctorum, and Ben Carson, suffered from a verbal tic that caused them to repeatedly claim that God had charged them with the divine mission of running for president. That verbal tic, said Reince Priebus, the RNC Chairman, will hopefully disappear if not greatly diminish as a result of the crucilectomy.
However, some painful splinters from the cross may have been left in the GOP's rectum, said Dr. Sudhardi, so he expects to see the usual grousing from these candidates about gay marriage and the threat it poses to healthy, God-fearing heterosexuals like themselves. Dr. Sudhardi expects that these symptoms will largely disappear after the GOP loses still another presidential election in 2016.
Jesus, tweeting from heaven, was also upbeat about the operation, texting, "Glad to hear the obstruction has been removed from GOP's rectum. Now maybe it can stop grimacing all the time and take what I say in the New Testament seriously."
Donald Trump, when asked about the crucilectomy, only said, "Losers! Only losers have to have a cross removed from their ass!" However, Mr. Trump himself is expected to have his foot surgically removed from his mouth sometime next week, if the attending physicians can get him to shut up long enough to perform the operation.
