Political Science 101: Economics

Funny story written by Dick Sheerer

Wednesday, 22 July 2015


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In order to understand the relationship between politics and economics one must know the historical context. The economy is based on industry, and industry is based on production. So to find the origin of the economy we must trace it back to the source, when early man first philosophized about the meaning of life and his place in the universe.

Two things he knew for sure: he had to eat, and he had to shit. Eating was a challenge because the hunt for food was hard work, and eating the wrong food caused illness and death. Shitting on the other hand was a pleasurable experience by comparison. It was like giving birth to a baby, but without the pains of labor and the incessant crying. It gave a sense of relief that actually felt good. So, being the geniuses that they were, they logically deduced that their life purpose was to create shit. Eating was laborious and shit was the fruit of their labor. They lived by this philosophy for tens of thousands of years, and it is the foundation of contemporary economic theory - in practice if not in principal.

Instead of putting raw food in our body to produce shit, today we put raw materials into factories to produce the consumer equivalent of shit in the form of merchandise, most of which either ends up in the dump or gets recycled into more needless products. This overabundance of merchandise is a waste of natural resources that's harming the planet. So, as a cynical PR stunt the economists call these bad products "Goods".

Economists created this culture of materialism. Viewed objectively, there seems to be no rhyme or reason as to the purpose of civilization. Everyone is either too busy trying to eek out a living, or trying to cheat someone else out of their money, no one bothers to question the meaning of our existence. The people at the top of the economic food chain are the professionals in the financial industry such as bankers and stock brokers. They're called Brokers because they take your money and leave you broke.

The whole system is a house of cards that can collapse at any time. But it's all a game to them and they write the rules. They decide, rather arbitrarily, what has value and who gets to win. Way back in the beginning the neanderthals traded salt as currency, now it's paper money. Everyone knows that neither have any real value. So to keep the game going the economists had to come up with a believable prize, and gold was the perfect choice. Although it's just another worthless mineral, they cooked up the theory that gold ore are actually formed from the cumulative deposits of human excrement over many eons. The crap solidified under immense pressure, and it's yellow color is of course caused by the mixture of urine. At first glance such a theory may seem dubious, but the scatological factor would certainly explain the anal retentive personalities of greedy people.

Most economic systems are basically the same. The rich are getting rich at the expense of the poor even though some of the poor don't realize it. In some industries part of the problem is that money is needed to pay for labor, materials, and other costs of production. There's constant pressure from management to lower costs and increase productivity. Lots of low wage slaves are needed to do the work and consume the products they make. As they prosper and their numbers multiply they eventually get lazy, demand more money, and go on strike if they don't get it.

Meanwhile as the crisis grows out of control government and industry fear widespread rebellion that must be stopped. Their solution is selective genocide in the form of biological and industrial diseases targeting the rabble-rousers and older less productive workers whose Social Security and pension payments are a budgetary burden.

Politicians and economists do their best to hide economic ruin by cooking the books and broadcasting rosy scenarios with charts, graphs, and technical gobbledygook while keeping the military well funded just in case.

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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