BILLINGSGATE POST: The ACME Defense Department confirmed today that Mokhtar Belmokhtar, "the one-eyed sheikh," was taken out by one of its roving anti-terrorist affiliates at large, Wile E. Coyote, somewhere in the sand dunes of Syria
Using tactics and weapons similar to those practiced by the Coyote in his epic squabbles with his perennial foil, the Road Runner, the one- eyed sheikh was easy prey for Field Marshal Coyote. Problematic, only in the sense of fairness, was the fact that the one-eyed sheikh had a 5 million dollar bounty on his ass. As one of Al Qaeda's leaders, the visually impaired terrorist called his tent home and largely sustained himself by sopping up the dyspeptic droppings of his favorite camel, Emile; washing them down with Fire Ball shooters poured by his stable of ersatz virgins whose reputations were at best checkered, blemished by the fact that they were unable to furnish proof of their authenticity.
Not one to quibble over politically correct definitions, Coyote deployed a heat-seeking ACME anvil to take out the pesky Mokhtar. From the situation room, he and Hillary watched as time sequenched drone pictures were relayed to them in real time.
As the sheikh bounced up and down between the lunging humps of Emile, pictures of the heat-seeking anvil locking on to the aft-end of the befouled camel's alimentary canal brought chills to the men and women sitting on the edge of their chairs in the situation room.
"Hit him in the pooper," screamed the usually reticent Hillary, as the anvil homed in. President Obama, who legend says shared a joint or two with his friends, unwittingly lit up a cigar-sized bruno and passed it around the ACME situation room. Field Marshal Coyote could only smile:
Wile E. Coyote 1: Al Qaeda 0