BILLINGSGATE POST: In a move some historians say is the equivalent of the appointment of General Eisenhower to lead the Allies against the Nazis in 1942, Wile E. Coyote was deep selected by Secretary of Defense Ashton Carter to lead the 60 nation combine in the war against the maniacal hordes of dyspeptic camel drivers who call themselves ISIS. Leaping over many senior generals who earned their spurs by having never been accused of pinching the butt of a female officer in the line of duty, General Coyote distinguished himself by losing over 100 battles against his adversary, the Road Runner.
Modestly giving the ACME Corporation credit for its contribution to his success, General Coyote said that he would burn all of the existing agreements with Defense Contractors, and solely rely on the ACME Corporation for war machinery and supplies. Admitting that it might bring up "conflict of interest" questions, he said that he would limit his take to "just 10 percent of the gross contractual price of the items procured by the Defense Department from ACME." Allowing that ACME was a silent partner of the Clinton Foundation, General Coyote said that their 40 percent would be "more than enough to keep Bill in chicks and Hillary in new pant suits."
When asked if he was a disciple of the "Major Amos B. Hoople School of Warfare," he replied that he admired Major Hoople, but that he would put his faith in ACME's Reverse Osmosis Galvanized Trip Wired Anvil to stop ISIS suicide bombers from using heavily armored vehicles from attacking his fortified positions. However, in deference to Major Hoople, he would use phrases such as; EGAD FAP! KAFF-WHEEZE, GULP, GLUG-GLUG! to emphasize the importance of his mission in Iraq.