BILLINGSGATE POST: President Obama, in a speech addressing the burning and looting of Baltimore, proposed that a new league patterned after the National Football League be formed so that cities might charge spectators and television viewers a fee to watch their cities be burned and looted. In doing so, he named Reverend Al Sharpton the League's first commissioner.
In the NRL's first draft, which was held tonight, Roland "Frigidaire" Humphrey, a parolee from Roxbury Correctional Institute, was the number one draft choice of the Baltimore Arsons. Humphrey, who received his moniker for rescuing a 22 cubic foot Frigidaire from a burning appliance store, thanked God and his fellow thugs for having faith in his ability to carry out his mission. The second draft choice went to the Detroit Freeloaders, who chose Antonio "Long Arm" Linkos, who graduated from the Detroit Cadillac Hot Wire Institute. Antonio was known for throwing a brick one hundred yards while doing his rendition of the Mandingo Limbo.
In coordination with rotating cable companies, whenever there is a legitimate threat of a city being burned and looted by either locals, or thugs bused in by Commissioner Sharpton, a pay-per-view venue will be set up on a subscription basis, similar to the Mayweather vs Pacquiao fight. Over the course of a year, all of the cities involved in such social experiments in mayhem shall be eligible for a playoff berth, where a neutral city will be chosen and contestants will battle it off from different parts of the city to see who can loot and burn the most cars and buildings. While incidental looting may take place, no points will be given unless the business is burnt to the ground.
Depending on how many cities qualify, the National Rampage League Super Burn Championship will take place in any still-standing city that President Obama deems worthy of this distinction based on how many alleged victims claim they were abused by the cops during the past 12 months.
Naturally, these rampage championship games will be Nationally televised on a pay-per-view basis, with a percentage of the take paid to the final champions. Cities who participate will be eligible for reimbursement for damages that exceed the good faith estimates of local officials. In instances that the police are ordered to stand down, the Commissioner shall decide if the outcome of the riot was effected by such action. If necessary, another day of mayhem may be ordered. Substitutions and reinforcements by other police forces and/or National Guard troops will not be permitted unless the Commissioner decides that the integrity of the National Rampage League is at stake. Tie games will not be permitted. Also, if the contest causes the normal commerce of hookers and drug sales to be slowed, Commissioner Sharpton may call for a temporary opening of police lines to allow commerce to continue as usual.