WASHINGTON, DC - This morning, President Obama proposed utilizing the USA's military to build a dike around the lower 48 states, combating climate change.
The dike would be approximately 10,000 miles long and would be 6 inches tall, preventing rising oceans from flooding inland areas for at least 1,500 years. The project is expected to cost $7.5 trillion and another one trillion per year for administrative costs. Mr. Obama suggested added a new cabinet-level department (Department of Dikes).
Democrat proponents say the action will solve the impending doom of climate change and were happy to build new bridges to the LGBT community.
Evangelical conservative opponents to the action say we already have too many gawd damned dykes.