Every one's favourite cognac-admiring Eurocrat, Jean-Claude Juncker, has made some surprising revelations to a famously objective UK media outlet.
You know what, I actually can't stand the EU and Europe!
The renowned deconstructor of achingly right-wing/left wing stereotypes and mutual antagonisms cantankerously continues:
I mean, seriously! This is the one continent in the world where people have absolutely bugger all in common with each other…
Angela Merkel likes a beer to wash down her evening meal, while François Hollande savours some poncey fine wine. Italian politicians are easy-going bon viveurs of robust pleasures, while people from that Danish neo-fascist party walk around sad-faced and miserable.
Oh, and Spanish people think British music is all about The Rolling Stones and Led Zeppelin, when it is mainly composed of crap boybands; while British people know more about La Macarena than they do about the music Spanish people actually listen to…
Got it? I mean, there is absolutely nothing in common between us! No wonder my job is so difficult!
I venture to ask him if that means he will feel bound to dissolve the EU and liberate Europe from the looming peril to which he refers.
He stares at me:
Of course not! It's precisely BECAUSE OF all these factors, that we must use the utmost brute force conceivable to hold together all these mutually antagonistic populations!
Ja: there is but One Europe, One European, One Interest, One Union, One Eternal Victory March of Neo-Corporatist Progress and Whig-Historical Enterprise and Warfare; and that's it, for a million tax years, and whatever the hell is longer than that! Salute Europa!
Isn't that a little bit coercive, I ask him.
But no… why? my latest "notable public figure" gently and tear-rendingly blinks. Retracting his arm, he tells me:
I mean, there is such a groundswell of popular support for me and my institution; why would I ever wish to leave? If it weren't for the pointless, antiquated 18th-century legal formalism, the petty-bourgeois legislative scruples, the utterly despicable and contemptible EU bureaucratism, I could easily be the unchallenged leader of Europe for the rest of my life….
I mean, from this perspective, I kind of see where those who want to leave the EU and create their own pan-continental superempire are coming from.
Well… make of that what you will. I would have thought leaving the EU would be quite justified (especially given what His Most Exalted Brandi-Dandyness has just told me). ..
Well, God gave the leaders of Europe the keys to social-democratic heaven and crony-capitalist paradise; pity about all the silly plebs like you and me worrying about the maliciously and cynically alleged shortcomings and foible of our glorious leaders (national and continental alike).