Sorry, North Dakota, We Need You to Take All the "Anti-Vaxxers"

Funny story written by Awl Proffit

Saturday, 28 February 2015

image for Sorry, North Dakota, We Need You to Take All the "Anti-Vaxxers"
The new country will be a biohazard quarantine area

The Obama Administration today announced a plan for dealing with the Anti-vaxxer problem. At a news conference, DHHS Secretary Sylvia Mathews Burwell stated, "There are millions of children in our midst who are partially or completely unvaccinated against vaccine preventable diseases. These children are a threat to all of us, as proven by the 154 cases of measles from the Disneyland outbreak spread across 17 states and Washington DC."

To solve the Anti-vaxxer problem, Burwell stated that the Obama Administration would put forth a plan to establish a new country to be formed out of the states of Montana, North Dakota, and South Dakota. The country will be named "Memuruland," which is short for "measles, mumps, and rubella land." Initially, the plan calls for all children with religious and philosophical objections to vaccinations and their guardians to be relocated to the newly formed country. Naturally, the current citizens of those states will have the opportunity to relocate to other states. Senator Barbara Boxer of California, Senator Elizabeth Warren of Massachusetts, Rep. Adam Schiff of California, and Rep. Peter Welch of Vermont have already agreed to co-sponsor the required Constitutional amendment in Congress.

"This will be the second greatest public health experiment in human history, after the introduction of vaccines themselves," Burwell stated. "The Anti-Vaxxers have been demanding a study of the vaccinated versus the unvaccinated for years. Well, now they're going to get it. And we have lots of experience in these sorts of experiments, after all. Don't forget we did the Tuskegee experiments. And history has shown us how to do these kinds of relocations: we had the Japanese interment camps, the Chinese, Cambodians, and Vietnamese had their re-education camps, the Germans had their concentration camps, and the Soviets had Siberia. And don't forget about the leper colonies. See the glaciers while you can," she added.

Governors Steve Bullock of Montana, Jack Dalrymple of North Dakota, and Dennis Daugaard of South Dakota were also at the press conference, and while they stated that the loss of their states to the new nation would be tremendous, it was still for the greater good. "These people are making us sick, literally," said Gov. Bullock. "We need to get them out of our country and give them one of their own." "We don't need their stinkin' natural immunity, added Gov. Dalrymple. "We want the nice, clean, safe immunity from vaccines."

Asked when was the last time he got a booster shot, Gov. Daugaard admitted, "I don't rightly know. 'Bout 30 years ago, I reckon."

When asked what would happen to the property of the Anti-vaxxers, Secretary Burwell explained that it would be confiscated under eminent domain. "Then we'll allocate them property in Memuruland, just like we did with the Five Civilized Tribes in Oklahoma. See, we already have experience with that, too."

And what about the oil, mineral, and timber rights? asked another reporter. "Oh, those properties will go into a trust to be administered by a new Bureau of Anti-Vax Affairs," answered Secretary Burwell. "The trust fund will be used to pay for the additional costs of running a country."

"What about border control?" asked the Fox News reporter. "We've got that covered," the Secretary replied. "You know those invisible fences you use for your dogs? Well, DARPA has developed one for humans. We'll try it out around Memuruland, and if it works there, we'll deploy it along the Mexican border, too. Security into and out of Memuruland will put the Berlin Wall to shame. Visitors will require a visa application that includes proof of antibody titers. No Memuruland citizens will be allowed to exit or emigrate the country without a health certificate showing they've received all mandatory immunizations."

The Secretary continued, "As part of our border security, vaccines will be dispensed via aerosol mist at all border control points. And there won't be a problem with illegal immigration back into the US because all deportees will be surgically implanted with an RFID chip with a broadcast range of 1600 meters, so they literally won't be able to get within a mile of an RFID reader without being detected. We already have a smartphone app, tentatively called VX, that will alert users when an anti-vaxxer is in range; they will also be alerted through the Amber alert system."

Secretary Burwell outlined four phases to the relocation plan: "The Anti-vaxxer children and their guardians will just be the first stage of the plan. We can't allow any immunocompromised people to remain in the USA because they still might come into contact with a person who's shedding live virus, get sick, and pass it to another person. So everyone else who can't get immunized, like cancer patients, patients on Humira, and so forth, will be relocated, along with their guardians if they're underage. Phase 3 will be all the other conscientious objectors, like Jehovah's Witnesses, Christian Scientists, and the Amish if they refuse to get immunized. We've seen how their foreign missionaries get infected and bring disease back to the USA with them. Phase 4 will be all remaining adults who refuse to stay up-to-date on their booster shots, or who can no longer get booster shots. Part of our plan includes the expansion of Memuruland into Idaho, Utah, and Wyoming if necessary to accommodate these people. But we really don't expect their life expectancy to be as high as ours or their infant mortality as low, so this provision probably won't be necessary."

But the Secretary wasn't finished yet, revealing that "another key piece of this plan, once all the resettlements are complete, is that everyone who remains in the US must be fully immunized at all times, to include all available vaccinations. They will be required to wear a patch containing micro needles controlled by a microchip that inject vaccines whenever their titers fall below the required level. As an extra layer of protection, vaccine dusting drones will be used to spray populated areas periodically. Everyone will undergo titer testing annually, as part of their mandatory health physical, and be revaccinated as needed until their titers are raised to the necessary level. If and when their titers don't rise high enough, they will be resettled to Memuruland."

An unidentified reporter who was certainly not from any of the mainstream media outlets asked, "What if people have bad reactions from these automatic injections?" The Secretary replied, "Well, if they want to remain an American, they'll just have to suck it up for the good of the country. If they can't handle a little fever or seizure, then they can have the patch removed, but they'll have to be relocated to Memuruland."

"I think we can all agree that the only thing we have to fear are the Anti-vaxxers. Science has already settled that vaccines are completely safe and effective. Why these people fear a little shot is beyond me, and what makes them think they can put everyone else at risk is just downright un-American. But this plan will settle the problem once and for all in a way that's just and fair for all concerned," concluded Secretary Burwell.

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

Do you dream of being a comedy news writer? Click here to be a writer!

Comedy spoof news topics
Go to top
readers are online right now!
Globey, The Spoof's mascot

We use cookies to give you the best experience, this includes cookies from third party websites and advertisers.

Continue ? Find out more