Washington, D.C.- Following an alarming number of calls to the CDC, FBI, and NSA, security analyst have concluded that the zombie apocalypse came and went without any causalities and $0 in property damage.
Current Secretary of Defense, Chuck Hagel, spoke on the matter, "Around 5:03 a.m. eastern standard time, a zombie uprising started near Deer Lick, Kentucky. The uprising promptly ended 3 minutes later, apparently due to muscle atrophy."
Hagel went on the explain that it was hard for the undead to murder or cause any mischief without muscle tissue.
One one-eyed eye-witness recounted, "Well I was tending to my cows, and I saw what appeared to be a dead fella coming out the ground. He tried to stand, but resembled a new-born baby deer. I yelled out 'can I help you boy?' but the poor fella crumpled to the ground, so I just swept him into the garden. Hell of a fertilizer"
