Nancy Pelosi Slams Barbaric Vatican Regime

Funny story written by TM_Dealer

Friday, 27 February 2015

It seems not everybody is charmed by Pope Francis. Indeed, one prominent US politician, Nancy Pelosi, is planning very stern measures to punish what she considers to be the right wing, unaccountable, and generally depraved policies and order of governance by His Holiness.

In a tearful Youtube video that Britney Spears has already endorsed, Pelosi explains:

"The Church humiliated me because of my principled postmodern vulgar-modernist quasi-neoconservative liberal-humanitarian moral stances.

"Choiceplaining patriarchal clerics who've merely gone to some silly misogynistic seminary and spent a decade of painstaking historical and contextual theological studies have no right to define Catholicism for me.

"I'm Nancy Pelosi, I'm from the government, and most of all, I'm your friend; I'm an individual, not a slavish devotee of some conformist ideology.

"I'm not even sure if they will allow me to take the sacrament; that wounds Our Common Humanity so much. Oh, how cruel you are; if only you knew how they feel! If only, if only, oh, IF ONLY YOU KNEW how Our Common Humanity feels when you disrespect Her!

"Well, I guess there's nothing less against Christian teaching than™ making someone feel small and unrecognized.

"No, don't talk to me about Fred Phelps and other typical GOP bigots. They don't count as Christians anyway, because they attempt to arbitrarily define the boundaries of who is "in" and who is "out."

"I've always been loyal to the Church, just like Saint Teresa of Avila, or the Blessed Madonna. But now, every month, they're telling me and 500 million other faithful Catholics what to do and what not to do.

"Well, that's not appropriate! I'll be the one to decide whether or not I am a True Catholic; not some priest in a dress.

"That's why I'm calling for sanctions against the brutal, anti-freedom, libertarian-individualist regime of Antipope Francis.

"You know, all those secular leaders in the Middle East that we're opposed to, they've only been round a few years or decades. The Antichrist... uh, Antipope has been around for about 2000 years!

"It's about time we stopped appeasing this wicked free-market dictator and started making him accountable to the international community; Jesus had twelve disciples to whom all judgment was committed, so we're about the same in number as the disciples.

"Well, mathematics is fairly important, you know.

"Now, listen here, young man. You may quote this speech, for you may have your freedom of speech; provided it's balanced with accountability.

"Well, we will start by severing ties with the Vatican and stopping people from the Pope's barbaric regime entering the USA.

"(Unless, of course, they are coming to grovel on bended knee and ask me and perhaps also everyone of my supporters and allies for forgiveness).

"Enough is enough.

"We can't just sit there! We have to stop this wicked man from destroying our country! It's the only Christian thing to do!"

Pope Francis was by no means perturbed by this event. Either he was in a state of great spiritual calmness; or else he just couldn't care less.

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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