Last night, the whole of Europe was brought to a standstill when, exactly at midnight, a white-haired, bearded figure appeared on every television set on the continent. Crowds poured out of pubs and restaurants, many of them hysterical; public transport came to a halt as millions gathered in city squares and churches.
The Pope appealed for calm; but nobody was listening to him.
The following is a direct transcript of the broadcast:
Hi there! I am the One and Only... God. Bet you are surprised to see Me, your worst nightmare eh?... especially the atheists among you. I am disguised as Santa Clause, of course, so that you can all recognize Me.
I am so glad to see my children on their knees again on wood, stone and sand begging for my mercy and forgiveness. But I need more of that. Such abject submission gives Me glory. It reminds me of why I created you all in the first place so that you would hate yourselves totally to the point of perpetual mass murder that you call "wars"... and love only Me. Without you I would have no glory at all. Nada!
Aah, my children... It makes Me so proud and happy knowing my prophets have not failed to scare the shit out of you all. Did you know I keep one of your little, nuclear bombs on my mantelpiece just to remind Myself of how well you have used the Divine Intelligence I gave you? Thought that would cheer you up!
I am also glad to see my children chopping the heads off their brothers and sisters on television. What obedience is there! How well they know Me. Such blind servitude to my Holy Name brings me much solace in my lonely heaven and sets such a glorious example for you all, as my faithful prepare you for the guillotine.
I am so, so, so proud of you, my children, made so wonderfully in My Image. And I so much look forward to the Holy War which my New World Order boys are preparing in my Name when millions of you will be slaughtered on my behalf. I could cry with happiness at the thought. What love for Me is there!
Would that I could be there in Person; present engagements keep Me away. But that is the price you pay for being God... you have so many speaking for you, you simply cannot get a word in edgeways. I have tried and failed, believe Me; this is a last resort... because I hate public appearances as you know. You only make that mistake once!
Sometimes I think it such a waste to have created so many billions of galaxies and planets, not to mention other universes you, my little earthlings, know not of... I never dreamt nobody would notice. But, that's the chance you take. All I ever wanted was blind adoration and regular blood sacrifices. Too much to ask! After all I did for you?
You have such power over Me with your unkindness... I am hopelessly at your mercy. I often wonder if I can cope. Only last week, while I was joyfully rearranging a couple of galaxies by way of relaxation, an angel drew my attention... and it pains Me to have to say this... to... a... a... a doodle... one of you miserable earthlings made of Meeeeee! How could you do this? Admittedly, the miscreants were chastised for their cruelty... but I am not sure if I'll ever get over it. I am presently receiving counselling from Richard Nixon.
You know very well how sensitive I am. I have no protection at all against blasphemy and that sort of thing. I can destroy millions of planets by snapping my fingers, but when it comes to insensitive put-downs from my own children... well, I am totally at sea. I hope you all got a good laugh out of it because I did not. I simply cannot deal with that sort of thing.
Enough is enough! Henceforth, I expect my children to honour my Name by slaughtering each other until only the chosen few are left. Nothing less will please Me. And, as any of my humble Opus Dei servants will tell you, I am really not that hard to please. I could get by on a couple of burnt offerings a week, if need be; or a sacrificed movie star or two. No problem. Greedy I certainly am not... just want what is Mine, that's all. But really, you have gone too far with your doodles and put-downs.
This time around... no more "Mister Nice Guy"..! As I cannot be with you there in person you must listen to my faithful priests, theologians, philosophers, Muftis, Evangelicals and Imams who alone can speak for Me. Where would I be without them? If they did not confide in Me on a regular basis I would not have a clue as to what is going on down there. I am here at their invitation to show you how right they are about Me. So, blame them. I have better things to do, frankly.
You have all seen my tsunamis, earthquakes, wars and pestilences, and heard my REM records... so you know perfectly well what I can inflict on you if you make Me angry. Don't do it! No more doodles or hurtful remarks, please. Have some respect for your elders!
Know now that I am all out of patience with planet earth; which is why I have decided to interrupt your daily, televisual brainwashing to make this brief announcement. You think the New World Order boys are bad? Ho! Ho! Ho!.. Wait 'til you get a load of Me! You have been warned!