Unprecedented Vatican Scandal: German Infidel Canonised

Funny story written by TM_Dealer

Thursday, 19 February 2015

A scandalous leaked document from the Vatican highlights an utterly disgraceful and absolutely unbelievable lapse of judgment on the part of top Church authorities, which will almost certainly make the Church's reputation plummet to unprecedented depths.

But what is it? Well, falsely assuming that his setting of the Mass in B Minor was a sign of his deep piety of and his unconditional devotion and loyalty to the Church, the Catholic Church once accidentally made a Saint out of the Lutheran composer Johann Sebastian Bach.


Some years ago, cardinals were very much distraught at this perfectly understandable error, and asked if the ecumenical provisions of Vatican II might stretch to retaining the accidental canonisation of a non-Catholic.

But Pope Benedict stood firm. It couldn't be done. Period.

Understandably, Catholic leaders are distraught at this new situation, completely unprecedented in Canon Law. One Cardinal informed me in private that it is simply not possible to revoke canonisation retrospectively.

Yes, no matter what someone does, even if they are a luxurious apostate with a taste for feisty MILFS and play-away cougars, Rick Astley records, pineapple fritters, pretentious art-deco, tedious US sitcoms or just frivolous material luxuries and fripperies in general, there's just no going back.

Yet, my source adds that it is also surely impermissible to have a non-Catholic being a Saint:

"I mean, if this is to stand, we might have to canonise other great, virtuous and saintly figures such as:

"Buddha, Quetzalcoatl, Sri Krishna, Mungai, Amaterasu, Laozi, Adi Shankara, Hercules, Guru Nanak...

"Maybe even Gandalf or Tyrion Lannister? And if we finally get around to John Lennon, Vlad Lenin, Joseph Smith, Tony Blair, Pol Pot, Trotsky, Elrond Hubble... (sic)... wowee! Just doesn't bear thinking about..."

However, there is one last hope for the distressed Church hierarchy. Some speculate that His Holiness Pope Francis might be more willing to consider a more liberal stance.

We'll see, but in the mean time, several of the faithful who had no problem with the church's stance on artificial contraception have finally found something to complain about with a clear conscience IN THE CHURCH ITSELF.

Hmmm... normally, it's all the other Churches that have the problems, but this lesson has a handful of the most Ultramontane Catholics (the "plus Catholique que le Pape" ones) that even the Catholic Church doesn't always get it right in every way. ;)

Still, a certain prominent Hollywood actor disagrees.

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

Do you dream of being a comedy news writer? Click here to be a writer!

Comedy spoof news topics
Go to top
readers are online right now!
Globey, The Spoof's mascot

We use cookies to give you the best experience, this includes cookies from third party websites and advertisers.

Continue ? Find out more