BOWLING GREEN, KY-Libertarian firebrand Rand Paul has apparently contracted Ebola from a virus that was carried all the way to Bowling Green, Kentucky, via La Nina, from Liberia.
Paul contracted the deadly virus only days after telling Concord News Radio in New Hampshire, "This is an incredibly contagious disease . . . . People in full gloves and gowns are getting it. So really they need to be honest--this is a very transmissible disease."
To compound the tragedy hitting the Paul family, Rand Paul's family dog, Aynie, also contracted the disease after the dog had been petted by an immigrant who was doing yard work for the Pauls. The immigrant, Assad (whose last name is being withheld, for security reasons), snuck across the Mexican border--or was it the Canadian border?--in order to find gainful employment in the Bluegrass State as a jockey.
Democratic Gov. Steve Beshear has quarantined Rand Paul and Aynie in an outhouse on the outskirts of Bowling Green, next to the log cabin where Duncan Hines, the famous Kentucky food critic, was born. When the Governor was asked how long Rand Paul and his dog would be quarantined in the outhouse, Beshear replied, "Until the Ebola virus runs its course or all the stink that Paul has raised clears--whichever comes first."
Ted Cruz, who may run for President on the Batshit Crazy ticket in 2016, is closely monitoring the situation, aids report.