"Thank God It's Monday" is the new Credo of Republican Party

Funny story written by Samuel Vargo

Sunday, 19 October 2014

image for "Thank God It's Monday" is the new Credo of Republican Party

The Republican Party has come out with a new spinoff, the "Thank God It's Monday" cry, which will be present for at least a little while, until they get something going in the way of good PR and also, put a muzzle on those hideous talking heads at FOX News.

But if the administrators of the Thank God It's Monday initiative have it their way, this bold endeavor could not only alter America's economic landscape, but the world's, as well. And one adamant critic even lambastes it as being inspired by the devil.

"'Thank God It's Monday,' is a very Christian sort of credo. Didn't Jesus use many parables involving the agrarian work culture of his time? He was a real tub-thunper for people working their little hands to the bones. If it's good enough for our Lord and Savior, it's certainly good enough for the Republican Party and all the teabaggers who brainstormed to come up with this idea," said Whitey W. White, the chairman of the Thank God It's Monday Campaign.

"We want to see smiling, happy faces on their way to work each Monday morning," White said. "America needs a little attitude adjustment and the Republican Party has just the inoculation for the 'Thank God It's Friday' hangover come Monday morning at 5:30 a.m.," White said.

Although it sounds like a wonderful and harmless campaign, at the root of the Thank God It's Monday charge is the Republican Party's intent on turning the forty-hour work week into an eighty-five-hour work week, says a critic of this bold initiative, Gordon Peters, an avowed socialist and frequent contributor to a plethora of progressive, liberal, national, online magazines.

"They want to transform the eight-hour workday into some 16-1/2-hour shift," Peters gripes. "And get this, overtime will start not after the 16-1/2-hour mark, but after 85 hours of labor completed. The Republican Party has mandated that overtime be paid at time-plus-one-quarter, but the Thank God It's Monday honchos admit that they won't fight companies that want to go above and beyond, to time-and-a-half, in other words. What cheapskates!"

"You can blame Ronald Reagan's trickle-down economics and his busting up the unions. Reagan was the Vlad the Impaler of the American working class," Peters added.

"But he was not responsible, not at all. He was led around by the nose by a whole slew of egregious monsters. Actually, Ron the Pawn lived his entire Presidency within the confines of some B-rated movie that only he knew the script to. It's sad but true. Ronald Reagan put the 'D' in Dementia," Peters said.

With the advent of Obamacare the the health care industry in flux, many Americans will be using the profits they make for their 16-1/2 hours of 'Standard Time' work on buying adequate health care insurance for themselves and their families, Peters said.

"And the minimum wage is expected to crumble from a little over seven bucks an hour down to three dollars an hour. Yippy Kai Yay Yeah!" the progressive radical sarcastically prognosticated.

Meantime, one of the main honchos of the Thank God It's Monday Campaign admits that there will be winners and losers in the soon-to-come new economy.

"The fact is, we're getting people back to work. And we have a good solution to having all those jobs shipped overseas. We're going to ship Americans overseas to work in those sweat shops. It's a simple economic solution to a very complex economic problem," said Hooty Boaring, vice-chair of the Thank God It's Monday Campaign.

"There are a lot of vacancies in those Indonesian, Latin American, Pacific Rim, and other such Third-World sweat shops. We plan to fill those jobs with all these lazy, slothful, gluttonous slobs right here in the land of the free and the home of the brave. We're going to ship all these ingrates out the first chance we get," Boaring said.

The Thank God It's Monday Campaign has as its official icon, a steaming cup of coffee and a vial of amphetamines. "It's definitely stay awake time now, and the American worker will have to jump on a fast-moving escalator of progress, change, and prosperity," Boaring explained.

"Get used to it, chumps. Change is coming. And it's going to hit you all like a bus jam-packed with about 10 tons of red bricks. The Republican Party has a veritable firewall known as the Thank God It's Monday Campaign!" Boaring screamed jubilantly and with triumph.

Meanwhile, back at his one-bedroom studio/home office on the Left Coast, the progressive online journalist laments that he sees nothing but gloom and doom on the horizon. It's sort of a constant among his lot: "It's a lose-lose situation for the other 98 percent," the long-haired, liberal-leaking Peters expounded. "There will only be more disparity of wealth, more idle time for the privileged and entitled; along with much less sleep and impossible, atrociously harrowing working conditions for the working people of America.

"I foresee people being homeless who will be working 85-hour workweeks because the dynamics of labor-intensity that this Thank God It's Monday initiative brings will drive the housing market up like a firework flying high in the sky on the Fourth of July. My one-bedroom studio, which I now pay two thousand a month for, will probably go for around a twelve grand for a measly thirty days."

"Jeezy wheezy. Only a complete lunatic or an ex-patriot living on a deserted island, bones-out with isolation insanity, would like this crazy scheme. The Thank God It's Monday Campaign is evil. Lucifer-driven, even," Peters added.

Ironically, the people who have embraced and cheered on the Thank God It's Monday Campaign the most are the poorest, hardest-working, and least privileged of all Americans - those living in rural and isolated areas of this nation's Red States. And many of them will be heading out on the Nina, Pinta, and the Santa Maria of the Thank God Its Monday fleet of labor vessels - off to foreign lands, to sweat shops, rice fields, textile factories, and telemarketing boiler rooms.

"Oh for God's sakes, you just throw the word "God" in any old saying these teabaggers come up with and those Red State folks are jumping around on the house tops. Add the word "Christian" and sprinkle the banner up with stars, stripes, and the colors: red, white, and blue and these good country people will gladly go to war for such a banner," Peters griped.

And the he-says, he-says disparagement continues with all the intensity of a dog fight: "This Peters guy, our number one critic, is nothing more than a communist/socialist/limp-wristed/long-haired/overfaired/over-educated/knuckleheaded nutcase who probably wears pink underwear - maybe even a bra and a tampon - and has about 40 or 50 freaked-out sexual fetishes," said White, ridiculing and even slandering Peters - in typical Republicanesque fashion.

"Yeah, if we have it our way, Peters is going to be the first to ship out to Indonesia, too," Boaring said.

"All I can say is that Peters better start learning some Asian language and he better get familiar with writing with those funny looking letters that look like upside down hieroglyphics. And he better change keyboards awfully fast, awfully soon."

"He's leading the charge of our labor export initiative," Boarding added. "I hope the bastard gets scabies on his way to Malaysia and croaks aboard ship. What a nutcase!"

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

Do you dream of being a comedy news writer? Click here to be a writer!

Comedy spoof news topics
Go to top
readers are online right now!
Globey, The Spoof's mascot

We use cookies to give you the best experience, this includes cookies from third party websites and advertisers.

Continue ? Find out more