Outraged medics have slammed Government claims to be screening new arrivals to the United Kingdom for Ebola Virus with seemingly pointless questionnaires about their grooming habits. The controversial form is being issued by Customs and Excise staff to passengers flying into Gatwick and Heathrow. Individuals are being asked questions such as when they last had rollers in their hair; whether or not they flossed regularly enough and if they could provide certificates showing the date they last had their feet checked for ingrowing toe nails.
The Ministry of Health issued a press release today defending the measures, following widespread criticism of the scheme amongst the scientific community. The terse statement read:-
"We understand people are concerned but this questionnaire was originally designed to prevent victims of hair lice from entering the country and it proved to be a roaring success. There was no need to pay for a load of Nitty Noras to be deployed. Hardly any nit infested people have breached our shores in the last fifty years and this proud record was achieved with the same sort of personal hygiene screening now being used at some ports of entry to prevent the spread of the Ebola Virus. We freely admit that this is not the costliest scheme that was ever devised but taxpayers understand that if the permanent deficit crisis that is now and will absolutely forever threaten our economy is to be kept in check, we cannot afford to pay for medical staff to be posted at our ports of entry. If a few slip through the net, its the price we have to pay for austerity.
On a secondary issue, and for reasons that are self-evident, there is absolutely no need to extend the present measures to northern regions of the British Isles because nobody cares what happens to the stupid bastards up there, particularly when it comes to parts of Scotland, and ESPECIALLY the cretinous and treacherous city of bastard-face Glasgow."
Concerned experts have nonetheless condemned the controversial approach and one leading virologist was heard to exclaim "... what the fuck?!" upon first hearing the details of the allegedly tough new test. Others have demanded that the government reveal the number of people to have been denied entry to the country so far as a result of failing to satisfy customs officers that their grooming regime would be sufficient to ward off the deadly disease. Officials have so far been silent on the numbers involved but have vowed to turn back any would be poor groomers along with anyone who shared a hair brush with other stricken passengers on the flight over.
Meanwhile in related developments, widespread panic buying of nail clippers has swept the nation and hairdressers are said to be inundated with new customers. Supercuts was forced to close its doors to millions of fearful new customers and staff have been working around the clock to deliver emergency wash, cut and blows appointments to the masses. There are fears tonight that the nation's supermarkets are being stripped of supplies of shampoo and conditioner and government spokesman have admitted that they are concerned about the dandruff epidemic likely to ensue as a result of a failure on the part of the appropriate authorities to stockpile hair cleaning products in the event this type of emergency. The Prime Minister himself is being accused of buying up every available hair gel product he can lay his greasy hands on and is said to have sent staff to shops as far north as Coventry to snap up the remaining units of the essential item.
It is now revealed that panic buying of mouthwash seems set to be the next crisis to hit the country after doctors in the United States warned that toothpaste and dental floss would not be sufficient to guard against Ebola. Ministers in the UK have been criticised for omitting a question about mouth washing habits in the screening questionnaire currently in use, leading to fears that large numbers of non mouthwash users may already have slipped through the net Ministers have rushed to dismiss the significance of mouthwash useage but leading manufacturers expressed their scepticism of government claims that their product is irrelevant to whether or not the spread of the terrifying virus might be affected by an individual's dental hygiene regime. Chemists and supermarkets alike have rushed to urge petrified customers to buy as many bottles of the substance as they can afford before supplies of the life preserving elixir run scarce.
The medical community has already expressed its opinion that the Ebola Virus is likely to kill more people in the West than the deadly post World War 1 outbreak of cat flu, which saw off 99% s of the globe's population in 1915. It is feared that the governments failure to think through the measures for keeping the new deadly strain of people-killer out of the United Kingdom will see thirty seven million Britons die before Christmas.
By Mrs I Liesalot