Stunned PM David Cameron has denied prior knowledge that side kick George Osborne is a long term victim of Night of the Living Dead Syndrome In an emotional press conference held this afternoon, the PM rushed to calm fears that the zombie Chancellor has been gnawing his way through the nation's welfare scroungers under cover of night and denied that the unemployment figures have been reduced as a result of his "great friend's" nocturnal activities. Said the PM;
"If George had been eating the unemployed, I would certainly have been told about it before now. After all, I am famed for choosing my friends and dinner guests carefully and I would not live next door to the sort of person that would knowingly cannibalize feckless, scroungy unemployed people. The fact is, the man is ill. You can see it from his colour, or lack of it, and those dead eyes and the glint in his teeth. You might as well blame someone for catching Ebola. If it's true that he has this tragic Syndrome, we will deal with it. It's certainly not true that he could have been consuming huge numbers of people for dinner and certainly not late at night, as is claimed. You can see from his figure that he has an eating disorder. Where would he put it all?"
The PM's response only raised fresh concerns that Osborne's particular strain of the disease was bulimic in nature, in which case he may have actually have been able to imbibe more unemployed people than those suffering from Type 2 Night of the Living Dead Syndrome. The less virulent Type 2 version is not thought to be viral in nature but is suspected to be closely associated with lifestyle choices. Victims of the Type 2 condition must rest between feeds and are known to only feel inclined to feast on human flesh on those nights where there is a full moon. However, top medics have warned that victims of the more extreme bulimic version are able to feed all night, every night, as long as they are prepared to make themselves vomit, thereby allowing themselves room for fresh kills. In fact, leading virologists believe that the vomit mechanism is in itself a gratifying experience for those with the bulimic strain which, it is said, only spurs them on to further carnage.
There are demands tonight from a shocked nation that the airports, and train and bus stations be sweeped for people showing signs of the disease, which is believed to have affected at least zero other persons worldwide in the last decade. On the advice of the Center for Disease Control, authorities in the US have already set up special culling stations at busy transport terminals across the country so that anyone thought to be showing symptoms of the deadly virus can be taken aside and quietly clubbed to death behind hastily constructed privacy tents. Americans on both seaboards and all points in between have volunteered to don big white suits and perform such culling duties so that the process can be carried out around the clock. It is thought that 11,000 victims of Night of the Living Dead Syndrome have been identified and put to death as a result and the numbers are rising by the minute.
Thousands more have been recruited by the Homeland Security Office to patrol hastily dug and freshly populated mass graves to ensure that those already culled do not dig their way out of the situation in order to feed on more innocent victims.
Angry journalists bombarded the PM with questions as to why the UK has so far failed to take the lead from her US cousin and meanwhile, flash social media vigilante groups have clubbed their resources in order to organise Britain's own citizen pop-up versions of the US style culling stations. There are demands from the more radical bands of Do-It-Yourself cullers that the Chancellor Exchequer be surrendered to their custody so that they might diagnose his symptoms with a view to beating him to death if it is felt he is a victim of the terrifying disease. A spokesman for one such group, who wished to remain anonymous, had this to say:-
"You cannot tell us that the fucker doesn't have it and hasn't been devouring his way through the unemployment figures. He is a thick, heartless twat and being the Chancellor, it is clear that he would not countenance any method for dealing with parasitic dole snatchers that involved something short of eating the bastards and then puking them up in order to eat even more of them. Quite what the European Court of Human Rights would have to say about all this does not bear thinking about. Mark our words, Osborne is a fucking dead man no matter what Cameron might say. We are considering ram raiding 11 Downing Street if Cameron fails to give the po-faced twat up within the next 24 hours".
It has now emerged that the cabinet plans to meet in an emergency session scheduled for later this evening to consider the significance of these revelations. It is thought that Mr Cameron is under pressure from his top advisors to reconsider his position and in late breaking news, it was revealed that ministers are set to consider throwing their erstwhile Treasury colleague to the wolves. A source said to be close to the PM revealed that Cameron is concerned about the impact the crisis might have on his party's potential election showing next Spring if Mr Osborne is permitted to continue his nightly jaunts.
By Mrs I Liesalot