DALLAS -- Former president George W. Bush is confused as to why a middle school teacher asked his students to make comparisons between Bush and Adolf Hitler, noting that former vice president Dick Cheney is much more of a modern-day political tyrant, right down to his suicide bunker in Jackson Hole, Wyo.
"He was prepared. He knew they would come for him some day," Bush said during a speaking engagement with German investors interested in building a chain of Schnitzelhaus restaurants in the United States.
"He had it well-stocked with vodka and defibrillators."
The Washington, D.C. sixth-grade teacher sent students home with a Venn diagram with instructions to compare and contrast Hitler and Bush, stating that "both men abused their powers."
Bush, though, said history will show that Cheney was the evil mastermind of his presidential administration, pushing for "more wars, more bombs, more torture, more clandestine hunting trips with liberals," and Bush was just the after-dinner show marionette.
"OK, so I'm no Gandhi or Morgan Freeman, but Hitler? C'mon! At worst, I'm Mussolini," said Bush.
Bush saw many comparisons between Hitler and Cheney, especially the way they liked to look at themselves in the mirror "and make that goofy Nazi salute."
"If Cheney could grow a decent little mustache, there wouldn't be any question," said Bush, also recalling that Cheney referred to Guantanamo Bay "as my own private Stalag 13."
Bush said Cheney also loved to take trips to South America, stating that he was going to vacation with old friends "to relive the glory days of the fatherland."
"I just thought he meant his dad was from Brazil," said Bush.