Obama Will Use Executive Orders To Outlaw Guns

Funny story written by Winston Smith

Wednesday, 9 January 2013

image for Obama Will Use Executive Orders To Outlaw Guns
Soldiers Practicing For Gun Grab

Washington, DC - Vice President Joseph R. Biden vowed action from President Obama on gun confiscation on Wednesday and floated the idea that Mr. Obama could use executive orders to do so.

"This president is going to act," Mr. Biden said, speaking frankly during a meeting with gun abolitionists and gun victims' groups Wednesday. "He might act crazy like me and then he might not, ha ha. There are executive orders, executive action that can be taken. We haven't derided what that is yet. But we're composting it all with the help of the attorney general and all the rest of the cabaret members as well as insulative action we believe is required."

"Hell, if we can funnel weapons into Mexico in a fast and furious way then we can certainly suck them out of the hands of American citizens with a giant gun sucking vacuum created by the same kind of secret executive order. Then we can go through the drive-thru at Wendy's and get the edge taken off. If you know what I mean."

Mr. Biden has been tapped by Mr. Obama to head a task force on gun confiscation, which is scheduled to deliver recommendations to the president by the end of the month.

"We are virally interested in what you have in your closets," Mr. Biden told the group. "And as the president said, if our actions result in only saving one life, they're worth taking, especially if she is hot like Gabrielle Giffords. But I'm connived we can negatively affect the well-being of millions of Americans and take millions of guns out of citizens hands if we act deviously."

"And by the way, I want to give a shout out to that lucky dog James Brady, way to go fella!, who I just heard is going to marry Gabby Giffords. As the poster children of the gun confiscation movement they are going to tag-team Wayne LaPierre and Larry Pratt in a charity mudslinging match with the proceeds going to my Vice Presidential Library in Rio."

"I want to make it clear that we are not going to get caught up in the notion, 'unless we can do everything, we're going to do nothing,'" Mr. Biden continued. "It's critically impotent we act like we are doing something, even if there is nothing we can do. Hey foxy young lady in the front row down on the right. Yes you, I am going to send one of my agents to bring you backstage after this talky talky is done. No your mother cannot come with you."

Mr. Biden said he wanted to make it clear to the American public that the administration is reaching out with hands to some groups and with drones to the others, no matter where they fall on the issue. He is scheduled to meet with sportsmen's and gun owners' groups, including the National Rifle Association, on Thursday.

Attorney General Eric H. Holder Jr. who ran the Fast and Furious Gun Giveaway program for Mexican citizens was seen and heard behind the Vice President offering several "Amen"s, "Preach on"s and "Way to go Brother"s especially after mentions of Gabby Giffords who is known to turn the heads of many in Washington.

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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