North Korea last night risked plunging the world into conflict as its provocative behaviour escalated.
The rogue state has drawn worldwide criticism after some of its soldiers were spotted writing rude things on the North-South border.
Slogans including "Obama is rubbish" and "Americans don't have any eyelids" are believed to have been scrawled under cover of darkness last night, while a US satellite detected "childish sniggering" from North Korean soldiers as it passed on a routine inspection.
President Obama was moved to immediately issue a statement insisting that the smears had "no basis in fact" and that "if anything, they're the rubbish ones".
An emergency UN Security Council meeting has been called in a secret location, believed to be a shed in Dagenham.