A relaxed Gordon Brown, fresh and positive after Labour's worst election defeat in decades, has called on the public for more ideas on how to raise even more tax.
His spokesman, Meja Spinne said:
"As a party in government, Labour have now run out of things to tax, and we are calling upon responsible members of the public to do their duty and come up with ideas for things we can tax.
"This can be straight-forward robbery such as VAT and Council Tax, or daylight robbery stealth taxes such as Travel Tax and Insurance Tax, where we take in as much money as possible and give absolutely nothing in return, or even completely unacceptable Mafia-style tax such as inheritance tax where people have already paid income tax on their money but are stuffed with us robbing 40% of it when they die.
"We have found green issues a very popular area for stealth taxes, as we pretend we are concerned for the planet and our environment, when in reality we couldn't give a buggery really, because it would prevent people in governance from jet-setting around the world to pointless meetings with world leaders.
"We need some really exciting and innovative taxes that will ensure the Conservatives are elected at the next election, because we are too cowardly to admit that we are at the stage where we are not only not to be trusted any more, but have actually run out of ideas and are frankly, totally unfit to govern any longer.
"But please don't tell anyone I said so."
Some of the ideas already submitted to the treasury via their website, www.direstraits.gov.uk, include:
- BWT (Being Welsh Tax)
- Class A drugs tax
- Politicians not answering journalists questions tax
- Wet weather tax
- Swimming tax
- Spitting tax (varying rates, for example, Premiership footballers would attract the highest rate)
- A Richard and Judy Tax
- A tax on Diana conspiracy stories