The Bush administration has known for the last eighteen months that Osama bin Laden has been hiding out in the North Pole. The NY Times, through the Freedom of Information Act, has reviewed a truckload of minutes, memos, and e-mails indicating that Terrorist #1 is living in a ranch-style igloo right between Comet and Cupid.
Administration officials, despite satellite surveillance and Navy SEALS, have not been able to decide what Santa Claus knows and when did he know it. The consensus of opinion, however, is that the world's beloved Father Christmas is an unwitting dupe or possibly an unwilling hostage and that there probably exists a network of collaborators among Santa's elves and reindeer who are providing bin Laden a "safe harbor."
However, the main quandary has been how to resolve the problem. The activities of bin Laden have been so interwoven into the North Pole's day-to-day labors of "making toys for good little girls and boys" that any attack by land, sea, or air would result in major collateral damage.
As one anonymous source said, "Can you imagine what it would mean if we took out Santa Claus or Rudolph? We may be able to get away with blowing apart a few dozen elves, maybe even Mrs. Claus, but how do you explain to kids that America knocked off Santa Claus?"
Another high-level source who spoke off-the-record speculated, "If we annihilated Mr. Claus with Mr. bin Laden, what's the downside? We'd be creating the next generation of terrorists aiming for the United States - kids who would never get a toy ever again for Christmas because we sprayed Santa's guts all over the Arctic tundra."
However, there is a significant body of evidence showing that Vice President Cheney is leading the charge to attack with all necessary force no matter the consequences. One memo attributed to him said in part, "…I never believed in Santa Claus anyway."