Multimillionaire and Victorian Minister of efficiency Jacob Rees Mogg revealed that he has no concerns about the current cost of living crisis. "However," he said, "I understand that due to high gaseous coal prices, some chaps may be a little short of capital and may have to reduce their investments accordingly."
He then gave a list of ten top tips to help reduce wood and other fuel expenditure this winter.
1. Ask your servants to wear a nappy, and use their dung as fuel. It may be a little smelly, but servant dung makes for an excellent coal substitute.
2. My wife's feet often get cold at night in the winter, so I ask our butler Geoff to rub them during the night. Sometimes he even uses the warmth of his body to heat them up.
3. Tell the orphans in your workhouse to turn the heat-pump handcranks during the evening and night only. They often make the mistake of doing it during the day, when they will fall tired before the night begins and that is when the heat is really needed.
4. If any of your workhouse orphans gets a gammy leg or becomes too melancholy to work, then simply take them to the local farm vet to be put down and you will be able to use their body as fuel.
5. Offer a wealthy Russian friend to ship a container of liquefied gas to your manor. They may be able to give you a discount, in exchange for a favour of course.
6. This one is what I plan to do. Simply turn on the heating as normal and don't worry about it because I can claim all my fuel bills on expenses.
7. If you are unable to claim expenses, then just pay for them with money. Most people have a few million squirrelled away from an inheritance somewhere, it's so easy to forget about it.
8. You could do as my friend Boris is planning to do and live in the Seychelles for the winter. There are some very pleasant houses available, you don't need to spend time in a common hotel with the riff-raff.
9. Encourage governments around the world to burn more fossil fuels. It will change the climate of the planet and make England permanently warm. We have the technology to eliminate winters entirely.
10. And lastly, wear an extra pair of socks. Ho ho! That's my little joke there. Because of course, wearing two pairs of socks is sinful and is punishable by eternal damnation. But at least you'll be warm in hell.
