Federal Reserve Chair Jerome Powell shook up Wall Street this week by announcing his attention to raise interest rates. The Reserve Chair admitted the latest rate hike would lead to job losses and slow the economy, which is already contracting. Powell was speaking from a small Wyoming city, which, seemingly as a gift to satirical writers, is named Jackson Hole.
“I’m proud to be speaking from Jackson Hole,” Powell said. “it’s probably my favorite hole in the world, and believe me, I’ve visited a lot of them. Sometimes I stay a long time in a hole, sometimes I get out early. Some of them are dank and unpleasant, some of them are downright fragrant. I might abuse the hell out of the latest hole, and then again I may treat it gently. Sort of like what I plan to do to the people of the united States. I may let ‘em off easy, or I may screw the hell out of them. Depends on my mood.
“But on to the economy. You’re probably wondering what I plan to do about it, what with they’re being a recession and all. What I plan to do is fuck things up, that’s what I plan to do, and there’s not a damn thing anybody can do about it, be they construction workers or Wall Street stockbrokers, or those people who always mess up your order at Starbucks, I forget what they call those people. Donald Trump didn’t like it, and what did he do about it? Not a damn thing. And he’s the one who appointed me! See what I mean? You don’t know what to do about it, do you? Do you have any idea how I got this job? I didn’t think so. You people want me to do something about the economy but you don’t have a damn clue about how the economy works, do you? Makes me want to ruin your lives just for the hell of it. Teach you all a lesson. And maybe I will.
“I can keep hiking interest rates on an indeterminate basis, maybe for all eternity. That’s right, I may just keep on doing it forever. Maybe until things get better, maybe until the whole world crashes and we all go flying off into outer space. The truth is, I’m just doing all this because I can. All the power, it goes to a man’s head sometimes. That’s how capitalism is. Don’t like it? Why don’t you go move to China? How about Iran? See if I care. I may drive down inflation until all goods are completely worthless. Then maybe you’ll all regret that you whined about inflation so much. Makes you think, doesn’t it?
“Nobody really understands the economy besides me. Who else is there? Robert Reich, maybe. He’s the one they trot out when they need somebody to speak on TV. Other than that, who the hell knows what I’m talking about? So I’m just going to go on doing what I feel like. Who the hell’s going to stop me? You want to take over the economy and try to run it yourself? Go ahead and try it, I dare you. You’ll probably fuck up things far worse than they already are. Just go ahead, watch the whole planet go into the toilet.” Suddenly, Powell begins to laugh madly. It’s an unnerving sight, to say the least.
Reaction to this latest interest hike was mixed, to say the least. “I reckon he’s mad,” says Senate minority leader Mitch McConnell. “He’s makin’ it so no poor person can afford a house. As a fellow Republican, I ought to be all in favor of this but since he works for Biden I have to oppose it.”
President Joe Biden had little to say on the matter. “I don’t know too much about it,” Biden admitted. “I’m busy enough just trying to remember the words to my occasional speeches, not to mention the names of all the foreign leaders I have to meet. I have enough trouble just trying to make it up a flight of stairs. If I learn more about it I’ll get back to you.”