Britain opens world's first human fat power station

Funny story written by Sir Geoffroy Cockface

Wednesday, 16 March 2022

image for Britain opens world's first human fat power station
Are you overweight? You could be worth your weight in oil. Send your liposuction to Donations, Lardo-B Generator, Pontefract

With the high price of oil and sanctions on Russia, Western countries are having to look to new sources of cheaper energy. France is increasing its number of nuclear power plants and the Netherlands is building more wind turbines. Meanwhile, the UK is looking to its own overweight population.

Today in Pontefract, the Lardo-B Generator was switched on for the first time, marking a landmark in global power production. Never before has a commercial power plant been fuelled by human fat. The furnace is fed regularly by human blubber extracted from liposuction operations in hospitals across the UK from Glasgow Royal C*nts Infirmary to Birmingham's St Pork Pie's Hospice.

The fats alone are not enough to provide power for the plant. Lardissimo - the Italian company who operates the plant - also run a charity which accepts donations of leftover chip pan fat to help keep the fires burning.

Power plant engineer Geoff Chips explained, "It's a bit like a nuclear power station but less safe. The human fat of these obese chubsters is so combustible it could lead to a runaway chain reaction if it was ignited directly. So we have to add the chip fat to act as cooling rods to ensure a slow steady burn. Most pies work just as well, so we usually throw in any lunch leftovers.

"My mate Billy had a scotch egg yesterday but it made him puke, so we threw in all his vomit as well. We had a good high output that day."

Critics have pointed out that the power plant is unlikely to be sustainable in the long term. Environmental campaigner Windy Miller said, "It's so inefficient, we may as well just burn our own shite."

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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