The Valentine's Day tradition that gets the cream

Funny story written by Sir Geoffroy Cockface

Sunday, 14 February 2021

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The British version of the Wifey-wanku never caught on - except on the skin

Many Valentine's Day traditions are modern, commercial and trashy - the giving of cards, the pressure to send flowers - these are all recent inventions. Yet there is one popular tradition that is still going and started all the way back with St Valentine himself.

Sir Duncan Valentine was no saint - at least until he was canonised by Pope Sodom III a thousand years later. Valentine often frequented prostitutes, particularly enjoying what he called "a happy hand", but which later became more widely known as the "creamy glove".

Today, hookers across the world have their busiest day on Valentine's Day, when lonely men or husbands whose wives are incapable or unwilling to strain their wrists will hire them for some creamy glove action.

Even the current pandemic cannot prevent the mass wanking. Many whores are respecting social distancing measures and happily jerking off their customers through letterboxes and air vents, retooled as makeshift gloryholes.

In Japan, the tradition has taken a sinister yet futuristic turn. Pleasure robots called Wifey-wanku sell millions and perform exactly the same function.

Japanese businessman Jeffu Ono is one of many men who actually married his Wifey-wanku. "It very convenient," he said. "Never complain and can also be useful to stuff turkey on Jesus-brunch day."

One advantage of the Wifey-wanku is that it takes up so little space. This comes in extra handy when considering the limited space in Japanese apartments, many of which are the size of a Portaloo. (Incidentally this is what led to the large number of Portaloos currently available as rental properties).

So wherever you are, and however you get your creamy glove, have a satisfying Valentine's Day. Nggh-sorry-I-kumu-nau, as they say in Japan.

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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