Hartlepool goes ape for Tories

Funny story written by Sir Geoffroy Cockface

Saturday, 8 May 2021

image for Hartlepool goes ape for Tories
The people of Hartlepool are well known for their sound judgement

Geoff Grimm is a former coal miner who lives in Hartlepool. As a grandfather, he is old enough to remember the 1980s when this was Labour territory. After Thursday's by-election, it isn't Labour any more.

He moaned, "This place has been going soft ever since that film Billy Elliot. No wonder they're all voting Tory now, they're a bunch of pansies. They wouldn't even know what the inside of a coal mine looks like. It's unseemly."

Grimm is one of many older inhabitants of the town who stuck with Labour, yet they were outnumbered by the larger numbers of Tory voters, many of whom came from the younger generation or who had never voted Conservative before.

Jif Fresh is an influencer who voted for the Tories. Aged just 19, she had never seen the inside of a polling station before. "It was great. I livestreamed it on my Wotbox. Then they told me to switch off the camera and I was like, ok boomer! I've got, like, seventy followers on Wotbox and OnlyFap and they all want to watch me vote live. Some of them even paid me."

Fresh decided to vote Conservative because her favourite colour is blue. She claimed to like Boris Johnson as well. "He's funny, in't he. I never saw his comedy show, it's too boring for me. I'd rather watch Jefferson Hell on TikTok - he ate a pigeon! Did you see that? Did you though? That was well funny."

The Labour party are said to be in disarray after the loss. Leader Keir Starmer couldn't understand it. "We've got our best people analysing the situation and we think it's something to do with the fact that I went to the same school as Boris."

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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