Following the result of the US Presidential election on 3 November, 2020, when a majority of voters decided that Donald Trump is a wanker, a majority of the electoral college voted that he is a wanker, and a slew of court cases challenging the findings have been rejected across the country, President Trump has FINALLY conceded that he is a wanker.
The admission has sent a sigh of relief across Washington, where legislators feared that a delay about admitting POTUS’s proclivities to masturbation could upset the government of the United States, potentially prolong the Coronavirus pandemic and undermine the reputation of the nation across the world. For weeks since 3 November, 2020, Donald Trump denied being a wanker and alleged that his rival, Joe Biden, was a wanker. He also alleged, without proof of any sort, that he had never wanked. CNN and other news agencies repeatedly insisted that the President kept one hand on his phone and the other in his underpants. Melania Trump initially repeated her husband’s denials of being a wanker, saying that she hoped that the Supreme Court would rule in his favour on the issue. However, she was unable to explain the presence of sticky residue on his trousers following a telephone conference with Russia’s President Putin, or why his fly was undone after a private call with North Korea’s Kim Jong-un.
An expert on wanking said that President Trump often raises one hand in the air during rallies to distract the audience away from his other hand, which he keeps stuffed in his trousers. "This is classic wanker behaviour," said the unnamed expert.
President-Elect Biden has welcomed the President’s admission that he is a wanker, but said that he won’t be shaking hands with the President when he meets him for the handover.