English pub owner drowns in a barrel of Irish Guinness!

Funny story written by Jaggedone

Tuesday, 5 January 2021

image for English pub owner drowns in a barrel of Irish Guinness!
A fine EU brew if you can get your lips around it, but if you slip into a barrel, it can be deadly!

(NOT EDITED) With nothing better to do than polish his brass monkeys, walk the dog, play darts with the missus, play 'pocket-billiards' with himself, English pub owner, and ex-entrepreneur, Johnny Jackass (Real name, Johnny Johnson), from Rochdale, Lancashire, decided it was time to smooch down to the beer cellar.

His positive intention was to control levels of beer sadly fermenting in out-of-date barrels and getting them ready to return to the brewery. However, his brewery had no truck drivers left to pick them up due to a certain pandemic. All the brewery workers were on furlough and stuck in yet another lockdown, not a traffic jam!

Johnny slipped into this 'goldmine' and fell arse over tit into an open barrel of Irish Guinness he was hoping to tip down the drain because UK goods sent back to EU Ireland required tariffs, and Johnny was living on breadcrumbs.

His head got stuck in the dark-brown fermenting brew but he managed to swallow a pint or two before surrendering to his sad destiny. His final thoughts were, "Well at least I'll die pissed as an Irish newt, fuck Brexit and COVID-19, Burp!"

It was over within seconds. His distraught wife found Johnny, with a huge smile on his face, dragged him out of the barrel, but it was too late, aagh!

Guinness sent their condolences, and in a memo, offered to take their out-of-date brew back to Ireland without EU tariffs. Johnny Jackass-Johnson was buried in Rochdale cemetery alone because local punters were still stuck in his namesake's national lockdown!

A sad world, BURP!

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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