Written by Paxton Quigley

Monday, 16 April 2018

image for Wetherspoon Chairman Denies Quitting Social Media and Shuts Pubs Instead
A pint of Mullet's Rat Arse, sir?

Today, in a prompt volte-face, JD Wetherspoon’s weirdo chairman Tim Martin, the last living proponent of the mullet, hair style of the gods, informed the stock exchange that, rather than quitting social media as widely reported, his pub chain was to close all of its licensed premises.

He then informed stunned stockbrokers that from 1st May 2018 Wetherspoon would become an internet based business, delivering its cheap beer only to its customers at their registered addresses. He justified this with several reasons in a hastily arranged press conference with the alcohol sodden business press, many of whom were angry that they would no longer have a place where they could pass the working day in a drunken stupor.

“Let’s face it, I am completely pissed off with the customers. How can you run a business which relies on letting OAPs, drunks, the unemployable and the homeless in the doors day after day in the hope of necking some cheap Old Dogfarter or Gnatzpisz Pils and then talking shite? It’s not a good business model. I am sick to death of paying the bill for cleaning up the vomit and the piss which the old gits can’t even get into the urinal after a few pints.

“I am also up to here with politics” Mr. Martin said as he made a throat cutting gesture “particularly with the smart arse London intelligentsia who come into my pubs encouraging my customers to boycott the business over my support for this Brexit thing. They also keep asking my Polish and Romanian staff what they are going to do when Britain leaves the EU and now they’re threatening to go on strike.

“So, as a cost cutting exercise it’s best to sack them all now and not bother to wait until 2019. Boris Johnson has promised me that as the economy will collapse after that date there will be ample staff available in London from the banking industry and in Sunderland from the car industry in order to staff my mega warehouses in the north and south of the country.

“So basically, I don’t give a rat’s arse.”

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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