(NOT EDITED) Rupert Murdoch, eat your heart out, you now have a competitor who will make your Sun read like Noddy and Bigears!
"The Daily Pony and Trap" (For US readers; Crap) has been published for the first time in a shithole under a railway line joining Hackney with Bow Bells. Hence, its name in Cockney dialect, a language rapidly disappearing as the East End of London is taken over by furlough yuppies!
Jaggedone, mega-media-millionaire-madman, owns the tabloid. He's earned so much dosh from writing spoof garbage, he doesn't know what to do with it! So, what better thing to do; own a tabloid!
"If you can't beat em, join em," is his motto! A weekly issue of everything filthy, dirty, ratty, scabby, and non-Trumpy, will be issued, and plastered all over the planet, proving what an illiterate imbecile he is; but a lovable one.
Here are 'The Daily Pony and Trap' initial, quite unacceptable headlines! (Beware, it pulls no punches, because if Mike Tyson can make a comeback, so can Jaggedone)
THE WORLD MOURNS MARADONA!
CHRISTMAS IS PUT ON ICE!
Fat chance with global warming, maybe Jesus will be born again, and come back kicking a ball!
CORONA VACCINE SAVES THE WORLD!
Great news indeed! First, global stocks and shares plummet, billionaire, millionaire investors buy gold! Global vaccines are announced after a year of total economic misery, and lockdowns! Bob's your uncle, stocks and shares rocket sky high! Was it all planned by greedy bastards who can never get enough, or was it Huwaei? Ask Apple, they're so fucking SMART!
NEW USA PRESIDENT IS JUDAS!
Medusa once said; "Chop off one of my serpent's heads, and the next one will spit even more venom!" Claim Republicans, especially after his main ally, a retired Black Messiah, publishes his book and, condemns Hispanics! Wow, history really does repeat itself, especially in the Land of Freedom!
POOR COUNTRIES CANNOT PAY FOR COVID 19 VACCINES!
10% of the human race live in extreme poverty. 10% of the human race cannot be vaccinated. However, to boost their 'muy pobre economies'. poor African nations are offering cheap, Covid 19 Free package holidays to Brits who voted for Brexit! A Safari experience with excitement guaranteed, especially if Brit tourists end up in an African Hospital!
SPORT HEADLINES: MANCHESTER UNITED WIN THREE GAMES ON THE BOUNCE!
A miracle has happened in Manchester! United actually win 3 games back-to-back! Slimy, crap, tabloid footy reporters, are now scratching their heads, searching for a fake reason how to get Solskjaer sacked! Mourinho has offered his services, and London tabloids have agreed a fee of £2 million to tap his 'Special' brain!
Jaggedone and his tabloid, 'The Pony and Trap', will be back next week with even more tabloid crap! Financial donations are also welcome, please send to, 'Save Jaggedone's bald head from ISIS Fund', just in case he insults them too!