The UK Government announced this week that the HS2 high speed link from London to the north of England will proceed. However, there will be some slight changes from the original plan. In a rambling presentation, Prime Minister Boris Johnson excitedly waffled that the train line would go through "Birmingham, Manchester, Leeds, then over the bridge to Northern Ireland, Belfast, then onwards and upwards, to the Moon."
Mr Johnson claims to have big plans for the UK's underfunded space agency, which consists entirely of a hot air balloon owned by Brian May, and Patrick Moore's old photograph collection. Johnson said that he intends to build a base on the Moon by 2021, as it would make an ideal trading partner post-Brexit. "We can trade their cheese and alien currency for our pies and royal wedding memorabilia. It would be the perfect deal."
The Daily Shambles wrote a front-page spread hailing Johnson as "the greatest leader ever", and suggested abandoning all future elections. "He's just what we need," wrote one star-struck columnist. "Imagine if Corbyn had gotten in! He'd have wasted all that money on the NHS. But Boris Johnson only lied that he was going to spend more money on the NHS to get disease-ridden scum to vote for him. Now he's going to invest it on this amazing project which will literally put Britain on the map."